Dear men, stop dressing like trash

From Pat McAfee's tank tops to SBF's shorts, men in the public sphere are increasingly fine dressing like slobs. What happened to the days of Pat Riley in Armani?

We’re still coming to terms with all the different ways pandemic broke us. Perhaps the most unsightly: It normalized employed men dressing like trash.

Man, am I tired of seeing “Tank” McAfee’s arms.

Dude, you’re on television. Why ya gotta look like you’re stumbling to the kitchen at 3am to wolf down some Trader Joe’s Peanut Butter Cups? ESPN gave you $120 million, buy some goddamn sleeves.

Pat Riley used to don Armani while prowling the sidelines. Dude was slick AF (in every sense).

Now, NBA coaches toss on leisurewear that makes them look like insurance agents headed to play a round of pickleball.

Jeez, Thibs. You’re a leader of men, not Jeff Lebowski.

I miss class. I miss sport coats. I miss trying.

A smart suggestion from Jerry Brewer on the attire of NBA coaches:

Dress like your winning percentage. If you’re tanking, wear cutoff jeans and flip-flops because, really, no one cares about your team. But if you’re tops in the conference, you better break out some Ted Baker.

I dig it. Or maybe we go full strip poker with it: For every loss, you take off an item of clothing. If you lose 10 in a row, you should have to stand in front of an arena in your birthday suit.

Football coaches like Tom Landry once dressed like 007:

Now, Bill Belichick looks like he’s taking out (or sifting through) the trash.

Dude looks like he barely escaped a swarm of moths. Well, he probably cleans it up when he’s travelling, right?

Oof. If I saw this guy on the subway, I’d move to the other end of the car pronto.

The only thing giving me hope is Europeans. Have you seen how their football coaches dress compared to ours?

Thank goodness. It also helps that these Euros don’t look like they’re auditioning for Super Size Me 2: The Cholesterol Strikes Back.

It ain’t just sports, though.

Sam Bankman-Fried’s “I can’t be bothered” schlub-chic shoulda been a huge red flag. If someone doesn’t care about laundry, there’s a good chance they don’t care about money laundering either.

Imagine if a woman showed up in a boardroom dressed like that?

Yet most tech bros still seem to think Patagonia vests and Allbirds kicks are more impressive than a well-tailored suit. Look, dorks: Just because your stock options vest, doesn’t mean your torso must too. Y’all giving too much Y Combinator and not enough YSL.

Women ain’t exactly killing it sartorially either. Every airport TSA line looks like a yoga class for ladies who, judging by the excess “baggage” they’re “carrying on,” forgot to ever actually do yoga. Athleisurewear? We’re really leaning hard on the leisure there. Ugh to all those Uggs too.

"Dress shabbily, and they remember the dress. Dress impeccably, and they remember the woman."
-Coco Chanel

Then there’s Senator John Fetterman, who tried to vote and preside in Carhartt sweatshirts and baggy shorts because, uh, he’s a man of the people or whatever.

But y’know what? I’m sick of men of the people. The people are gross. I want a man who is better than the people. Put on a jacket and tie and look the goddamn part. Lord knows Congress doesn’t actually get anything done; it’s the least he can do.

Thankfully, the Senate approved a resolution that codified the suit-and-tie uniform. For once, I agree with Joe Manchin:

For 234 years, every senator that has had the honor of serving in this distinguished body has assumed that there were some basic written rules of decorum and conduct and civility, one of which was the dress code.

Basic decorum. That’s what we’re losing. Whatever casual Fridays started, pandemic and work-from-home has finished. There is no such thing as looking professional anymore. Now, we’re supposed to be overjoyed if someone managed to get dressed at all.

They say dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Well, apparently the job we all want is to be curled up on our couch wiping Cheeto dust off our pajamas while rewatching Paw Patrol: The Movie.

But when the people in charge dress like slobs, it trickles down. The people who used to dress like slobs start looking like hobos. Actually, that’s not fair. At least hobos knew how to layer.

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I feel better about my lack of success on social media when I realize the people currently getting the most Likes there are Hamas and Matt Rife.

And y’know what else makes me feel better about it? All the subscribers to the Rubesletter. So here’s a big ol’ Ruby Tuesday discount for ya:

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Quickies

🎯 I don't understand bad book reviews. Just stop reading the book. No need to bring the rest of us into your masochistic kink.

🎯 Looking forward to a Curb ep where Larry is held hostage by Hamas-like terrorists and eventually he annoys them so much they beg the enemy to take him back.

🎯 As a comedian, I hate what social media has done to comedy and how much it's elevated hacks in the public consciousness . And then I imagine how scientists and doctors must feel.

🎯 The extra white emojis creep me out. Just stay yellow. That you wanna go the extra pale mile is very January 6th.

🎯 Online dating is like swimming in a public pool. It’s gross, everyone there is terrible, but you do it 'cuz ya gotta get wet somewhere.

🎯 Bros who love tech talk about OpenAI the way women who love rosé talk about The Bachelor.

🎯 Re: OpenAI, can’t believe the “viva capitalism!” folks beat the “we should be careful” folks. This flies in the face of everything we’ve learned about the tech world! (And you know AI didn’t write that since it doesn’t understand sarcasm.)

🎯 I never understood gaslighting until Ticketmaster told me it was charging me an extra $5.75 to do nothing while calling it a "convenience charge."

🎯 I’m tired of the “we should really listen to this former heroin addict’s views” mentality. Nah, we good.

🎯 Is that video a Black Friday mob gunning for big screen TVs or Dagestanis at the airport waiting for an Israeli plane to land?

🎯 I'm no biz expert but it seems silly that EVERY SINGLE BUSINESS has a sale on the EXACT same day. Throw us a discount bone in March, why dontcha? What ever happened to being a PURPLE COW or whatever?

🎯 The dumbest thing about effective altruism is how it assumes people who make a lot of money will retain the same noble priorities they had when they were broke. To disprove this theory, just spend five minutes with any rich person you knew before they were rich.

🎯 We now want the immersive Van Gogh animation more than we want to stare at the actual “Starry Night.”

🎯 Latest acronym mixup for me: UBI and IBS. Extra weird when someone's talking about Universal Basic Income, but you think they're talking about Irritable Bowel Syndrome: "EVERYONE is gonna get it!? And the government is gonna give it to ya??? That's CRAZY."

🎯 Visiting your hometown is like sleeping with an ex. Nice to be back, surprisingly comfortable, and then ya remember why you left.

🎯 In Chicago, I had a reuben sandwich at Lardon while “A Long December” by Counting Crows played – 100% felt like I was in an episode of The Bear.

🎯 I ❤️ the suburbs. Where my sis lives, they installed speed bumps in order to "protect the children." Then, two years later, they ripped them up because they were a hindrance to ambulances and fire trucks. It was a real protection-off. No one desires safety more than people who already bathe in it constantly.

🎯 I don’t get when they put hand moisturizer in public bathrooms. I’m willing to do all my moisturizing at home. I’m chill like that.

🎯 Man, dogs out here keeping the bandana store in business.

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Comedy

🃏 I post clips of my standup (and more) at Instagram, TikTok, Threads, and YouTube.

🃏 Check out my other newsletter all about doing standup: Funny How: Letters to a Young Comedian.

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5-spotted

🗯 Walt Disney’s dog loved hot dogs so much it gave him an idea: Theme parks need “weenies.”

Later on in Disneyland planning, he remembered his dog’s excitement at the sight of the “weenie” and how he could lead her wherever he wanted when he had one in hand. He translated this into the design of the park and coined the term “weenie” as a visual element that could be used to draw people into and around a space. A “weenie” is large enough to be seen from a distance and interesting enough to make you want to take a closer look.

🗯 “My friends are on more traditional career paths making more money.” Robert Greene’s reply:

At this point in your life, above all else, focus on acquiring knowledge and skills. Knowledge and skills are like gold—a currency you will transform into something more valuable than you can imagine.

🗯 Q&A with Morgan Housel: What Most People Get Wrong About Wealth, Fame, and Happiness.

There is a line from the British author Martin Amis—where he’s describing writing—where he says, “Writing is a war against cliché.” And I love that idea, but in a way, living is a war against the war against cliché. There’s so much in life that’s trying to get us to forget the oldest wisdom. There’s so much that’s competing for our attention that’s trying to get us to lose grip of that—which is those ideas that have stood the test of time. And so much of a good life is staying in touch with those ideas despite the chaos that’s swirling around us.

🗯 Hilarious comedian (and friend of the Rubesletter) Ronny Chieng on what he’s learned traveling around America.

Face-to-face, everyone in America seems fine. It’s just when you go on the internet, it seems as though we’re always on the borderline of Civil War. But face-to-face, there’s a lot of decency in America. There are more good people than bad people here.

🗯 Steph Smith on the hardest part:

My yoga teacher always starts class with this line: "Congrats. The hardest part is over. You showed up." I feel like that mindset applies to most other things. Worrying about a task often is far worse than the task itself. Starting is the hardest part.

Man, I always thought the waiting was the hardest part. There are so many hardest parts. Maybe figuring out the hardest part is the hardest part?

That’s seems like a good place to end.

-Matt

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