Chaos! Tariffs, TDS, and a spectacular spit take.

Here’s a recent set where I talk about what’s wrong with Elon Musk, basketball, Germany, gender roles, and more. Ends with the most spectacular spit take I’ve ever experienced while onstage so stick around for that.

If you dig this, check out my latest comedy special BOLO, up now at YouTube. And catch me on tour upcoming in SF, Chi, Pitt, DC, and CT. Tickets/info here.

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Tariffs

Guys, the stock market isn't crashing. You just have TDS (Tariff Derangement Syndrome).

Also, he promised the markets would “go boom” so…

All these tariff conversations are really bumming me out mostly ‘cuz OMG is this crap booooooring.

I was already in snoozeville with the dullness of the "AI is the future" discourse. At this point, I’m looking forward to getting back to discussing the blockchain…so you know it’s bad.

Like, c’mon with this chart…

Filing this under “Charts I’ll never understand.”

…No. Thank. You. Honestly, I don’t really understand tariffs – and when I listen to 99% of other people talk about them, it seems like the feeling is RECIPROCAL. (Did I do that right? No clue.)

There was a guy in a Patagonia vest in the front row the other night so I figured he might have a smart tariff take…

Hmm. Let’s check in on some of the metaphors actual economists are using…

The stars are aligned! Also: Yikes.

It is fun watching the in-his-pocket pundits try to explain it all away though. “BREAKING: Poverty is wealth now. Retirement is for betas. After the break: Could working at a sweatshop actually be good for you?”

Anyway, I’m sure things are going better with…

Immigration

Oh nice, looks like they’re filming the new Mad Max down in El Salvador:

When it comes to influencer-ing in front of a dystopian nightmare backdrop, Kristi is 🎶 simply the best 🎶.

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America’s new version of due process: No tattoos? Habeas corpus. Tattoos? Habeas corpses.

But what about the gay hairdresser? Too late! Can’t they get him back? Who knows? It’s not like we have any leverage over El Salvador. Oh well. Shrug emojis all around.

Let’s face it: The cruelty is the point. The hypocrisy is intentional. It's not a bug, it's a feature. And there’s no reason for Noem to really care…it’s not like she has a dog in this fight. (Woof.)

So now we’re disappearing folks for writing op-eds. Way to go, “free speech* champions.” That asterisk keeps metastasizing.

Signalgate

I’ve noticed no one is talking about that Signal chat anymore. So, um, mission accomplished?

Still can't believe they bombed the Hooties. They only want to be with you!

I’m worried about us using up -gate on Signalgate. There are going to be so many more scandals ahead and then what will we call them? I fear the left will just turn into the boy who cried, “-gate!”

And honestly, I vibe with the 👊🇺🇸🔥 guy or anyone who throws in a few emojis just to make it seem like they’re participating in a group chat that’s gone off the rails. Most relatable thing about this administration besides 47 wanting to control the aux so he can blast his fave playlist at a party filled with lame-os he doesn’t want to talk to. I feel that.

Dems

Meanwhile, Cory Booker went Cal Ripken Jr. on the Senate floor and spoke for 25 hours in order to communicate this secret message: "I am young enough to stand for a long time. Isn't that refreshing?"

Truth: Yes, it was. We’ve all had enough of Chuck Schumer's matzah ball meshugas, frozen Mitch, and the rest of the Weekend at Bernie's crew dining on apple sauce in the Senate cafeteria. Frustration with those fogies is how we wound up here in the first place. Congress has delivered us nothing but clogged arteries for over a decade – and people prefer chaos to sclerosis.

But hold on! I heard Chuck Schumer just vowed to take his glasses on and off for 2-3 minutes in a row. Could be big.

47

Maybe I’ve been too hard on 🍊.

Let’s give him credit: He’s completely put a stop to Haitians eating dogs, post-birth abortions, and all those gender transition surgeries that were happening in schools. People act like those weren’t even real things now. Sad!

Plus, he somehow managed to build a coalition of rednecks, tech oligarchs, MMA fans, and religious kooks. You try doing that! (OK, just cosplay macho for the dumbs and promise tax cuts to the rich and they’ll buy it hook, line, and sink her.)

As for all that third term talk, people keep claiming he’s “joking.” Oh yeah? Well…

March Madness

The fun thing about CBS covering sports is you get to hear things like “Jelly Roll makes his acting debut in 'Fire Country'” which is one of those odd sentences where it somehow manages to keep getting worse as it goes along.

Btw, I never do March Madness brackets for the women's NCAA tourney because I refuse to bet against women. All women are champions and queens! #ally

Speaking of gambling: We need political gossip prop bets. Two I’d like to see: What are the odds that JD and Usha are still married in 2030? What are the odds that Donald Trump is living in Russia in the next 10 years? Could be a new Ringer pod in the making.

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Share this with someone who will dig it…………… 👇

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Misc

🎯 Was really hoping White Lotus would end with Gaitok starting a podcast called Guy Talk.

🎯 I can't believe there are windows for acquiring health care. It's like a doctor saying, "We need to perform surgery on you, but we'll have to wait until mercury is in retrogade."

🎯 Just read this: “RFK Jr. announced the administration will begin allowing states to bar recipients of a federal food assistance program from using it to pay for soft drinks. he compared food companies to tobacco companies, saying each had used science to make their products addictive.” Oh, Bobby…

🎯 From Neil Postman’s 1985 book “Amusing Ourselves to Death”:

It’s a straight line from Huxley to Postman to Idiocracy to 🍊. The only thing Huxley got wrong was thinking we’d have to go the feelies when, in reality, the feelies are delivered to us via devices we carry around in our pockets.

Did ya hear? Elon just switched up his view on tariffs:

And lastly…Michelangeloodle:

Thanks for reading. I ❤️ feedback. Leave a comment or shoot me an email. Stay strong.

-Matt