Zohran haters are losing their minds
The attacks on Mamdani seem hysterical. And I'm not even voting for him.
Zohran madness
Look, I’m not voting for Zohran. But if I see one more hysterical NY Post headline or Jew group chat message about him, I might lose my mind. Let’s get into it…
“He’s a wolf in sheep’s clothing.”
Zohran haters keep saying that. The problem is, after watching politics for the past decade, it’s kinda refreshing to see someone pretending to be a sheep. At least he’s pulling the wool over my eyes gently.
“He’ll destroy NYC.”
Trust me, I wish there were better candidates to choose from. But the opposition we got is our corrupt Turkish delight mayor who prostrated himself at Mar-a-Lago, Andy Three Hands, and The Red Baron, er, Beret. Greaaaaaat. I mean, when I saw the headline “Eric Adams endorsing Andrew Cuomo,” my first thought was “This is like Jeffrey Dahmer endorsing Ted Bundy.”
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“Hey, at least Cuomo was Governor.”
Sure, and I admit he gave good press conference when we needed it. But also, he hid more bodies than the Gambinos, was constantly battling the city he now wants to run, and 👐👌👈. Also, he constantly comes off like a condescending, entitled bully. The overall vibe is that he kinda detests NYC.
And he STILL refuses to say Zohran’s name properly, a supremely dickish move unless he’s accidentally saying “Mom Dommy” ‘cuz that’s what he calls his dominatrix. It’s all giving creep (and not the nerdy Radiohead kind). I won’t be surprised if his concession speech goes, “Time to log off and touch grass. Wait, I mean touch ass! Whaaaaat? I’m Italian! Don’t like it? Bafangool! [Flashes nipple rings and exits stage right.]”
“But Zohran’s a nepo baby.”
This is your argument? Um, are you familiar with Andrew Cuomo’s father? If not, boy do I have a bridge to sell you. (It’s the Governor Mario M. Cuomo Bridge.)
“She’s not actually his aunt.”
The NY Post is like the Depeche Mode of Zohran hate: It just can’t get enough. Did you hear about auntgate?
The “aunt” who Zohran Mamdani said was too afraid to wear her hijab on the subways after 9/11 is actually his dad’s cousin.
The horror!
If this is truly your beef with Zohran, it’s tough to believe you live in/understand New Yorkers. (Clarification: “Auntie” is a term of reverence for any elder woman in Indian culture. Others too.) Like, are you really that white!?
“He should renounce his Ugandan citizenship because they kill homosexuals there.”
Bill Maher’s also been on the warpath and this was one of his (weaker) arguments. Maybe Mamdani’s holding out hope the country will change in the future. Retaining citizenship is not an endorsement of government policies. I ain’t gonna renounce my US citizenship just because our country is currently run by a goon squad, y’know?
“He’ll be bad for the Democratic party.”
Um, how much worse can it get? Also, NYC can NYC while Wisconsin Wisconsins. It’s a big country.
“But he said he wants to globalize the intifada.”
Here we go. Actually, he said he won’t use the phrase and will discourage its use. And fyi, he’s also denounced Hamas and called its attack a war crime. Still, lotsa Jews are losing their minds…
Up ahead: Are any Jewish fears of Zohran legit? Will the wealthy flee NYC? And if not Zohran, who am I voting for???
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