"You can be a victim and a perpetrator at the same time"

Holding two contradictory ideas at once feels like the hardest thing to do nowadays. More thoughts on Israel/Gaza, a bunch of jokes, and news on my upcoming tour.

On the road

🃏 Yo. I’ll be slinging jokes on the road upcoming (including European dates). Ticket info here. And I’ll be taping a special in NYC on April 21 so come through for that if you’re in town.

🎟️ Ticket info here. (📷: Matthew Salacuse)

🃏 NYC shows:

• Tuesdays in NYC: HOT SOUP at Comedy Cellar (Tickets)

• Wednesdays in NYC: GOOD EGGS at NY Comedy Club (Tickets)

• Mar 29 - New York, NY - Mood Board @ Gospel (Tickets)

• Apr 21 - New York, NY - NY Comedy Club (Special taping/tickets)

🃏 More info and clips of my standup at Instagram, TikTok, Threads, and YouTube

🃏 My other newsletter is

Funny How: Letters to a Young Comedian

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Quickies

🎯 The eyes are the window to the soul? Nah, someone’s medicine cabinet is the window to their soul.

🎯 Look, we all know that Prince Harry is not actually Charles’s son. Anyone with eyes can see his real father is Frank Sinatra.

🎯 Most of my life is now spent trying to convince the algorithm I don't like things that I secretly like too much.

🎯 Anytime I watch Sex and the City, I wind up ending every conversation like Carrie typing a question. Like, someone asked if I have any cookie dough. My reply: “We know it might make us sick, yet we still want it raw. I couldn’t help but wonder: Why are we so attracted to cookie dough?”

🎯 I’ll believe you’re truly “brave” if you live in Brooklyn and you're NOT fluid or poly.

Soon ya gonna hit a museum and see a pro-Palestinian activist slicing a painting while getting soup thrown on him by a climate change activist and then a brand manager for Campbell's soup will unfurl a banner that says, “It's Amazing What Soup Can Do!”

🎯 I don't mind having a shaved head until people gimme a "you look like..." because it's usually one of the following:
- Pitbull
- Andrew Tate
- David Cross
- The energy vampire from What We Do In The Shadows

Energy vampire.

🎯 "The other day I did a podcast without microphones!"
"You mean you had a conversation?"

🎯 The nice thing about being an artist in medieval times is you didn't have to deal with a bunch of amateurs constantly spouting, "Whatever, I could do that."

🎯 Alpha MAGA?

🎯 "The robots are going to enslave us." Um, what makes you think they haven't already? (Btw, I didn't expect the most brutally honest assessment of how much screen addiction is rewiring our brains to come from ESPN’s Adam Schefter but…)

Ah, yes. The foolproof strategy of PIVOT TO VIDEO. I mean, what could possibly go wrong?

🎯 Life hack: Schedule your colonoscopy during Ramadan and you can get a fasting 2-for-1.

🎯 I don't even have haters. I just have ignorers.

🎯 Advice: Don't show up to a comedy show with someone you're not supposed to be seen with. Those days are over. There's now a 75% chance you're gonna wind up on social media in a crowdwork clip and someone's gonna send your aunt a video of you with your mistress and/or gay lover.

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More thoughts on Israel/Gaza