White POTUS is crazy this season

On that war plans group chat vs. White Lotus. Also: Thoughts on love, tech, filmmaking, and more.

Tour: Matt Ruby is going places (and telling jokes)…

🎟️ Ticket links here. And watch my new special BOLO at YouTube now.

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White POTUS

Did you hear the big news? Tiger is dating Don Jr.’s ex-wife!

And he wants us to whistle right past it!?

If that actually works, get ready for…

"At this time we would appreciate privacy for all those close to our war plans."
-Everyone in Pete Hegseth's group chat

I wish White Lotus and that group chat weren’t giving me the same reaction: “Oh, gawd. I shouldn’t be seeing this.” Unfortunately, both keep filling my TV with creepy bros who [redacted].

I’ve always said it: War plans are like 🍆 pics. You better be 100% before texting ‘em. Especially to a Goldberg. Can't believe these guys added a GLOBALIST to the chat. I mean, of course he’s trying to replace them.

We definitely gotta start calling the person who accidentally gets added to the group chat a Goldberg™️ from now on. And if they hang on to the group without saying anything, that's the Silent Goldberg™️.

🍊 has been pretty quiet on it so far. I’m surprised he hasn’t posted this on Truth Social yet: "The fake news complain when we don’t give them enough access. And then we text them secret war plans and they complain we’re giving them too much access? Lame! Goldberg? More like Goldilocks. NEVER SATISFIED. WITCH HUNT!"

Just imagine what they’d be saying if all this happened under his watch:

J/K, we all know exactly what they'd be saying.

This all feels like the logical result of valuing loyalty over competence, which leads to a steady drip drip drip of foolishness until the roof caves in. Let’s just hope the whole “straight from central casting” crew is able to clean up their mess better than the Ratliff family.

At least the plot moves fast with White POTUS. I'm starting to think White Lotus Thailand is just branded content for Lorazepam.

Anyway, if any federal employees are reading this, give this a try for your status update...

Five things I did NOT do this week:
1) add reporter to war plans group chat
2) add reporter to war plans group chat
3) add reporter to war plans group chat
4) add reporter to war plans group chat
5) add reporter to war plans group chat

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Quickies

➡️ Love

🎯 I want to make a joke about Woody Allen’s marriage, but I fear it's TOO SOON-YI.

🎯 The failure rate of marriages versus how much society pushes them is astounding. If self-driving cars went over a cliff half the time, we wouldn’t start celebrating whenever someone gets in one.

🎯 "Love bombing" is the criminalization of foreplay. Related: "Neurotypical" sounds like an insult.

🎯 Bartenders and DJs do well with women because they're the only men who actually have a legit reason to be at the bar.

➡️ Tech

🎯 The tech world keeps showing us Robocop stuff and saying, "Doesn't this look like an awesome world to live in?" And I keep wondering, "Did you watch Robocop until the end?"

🎯 If they need to put science in the title (e.g. poli sci, social sciences, behavioral science, etc.), that’s how you know it’s not actually science. No one ever says they study “physics science” or “chemistry science” or “biology science.”

🎯 We worship conspiracy theories now. What began as idle speculation has turned into speculation as idol.

🎯 A big problem is there aren't as many advertisers for left-leaning podcasts. Who's gonna sponsor them: Beta Energy Drink? Snowflake Razors? Cuckscaped? MeWokies?

➡️ Me

🎯 Put it on my tombstone: "Actually, I reject the premise of the question."

🎯 Everyone here keeps avoiding eye contact. But how can I tell whether it’s because they’re Gen Z, autistic, or I'm naked?

🎯 Mr. Clean, Stanley Tucci, and David Cross look nothing alike besides having shaved heads. So it’s pretty baldist that people have compared me to all of them.

🎯 My mom was paralyzed. Because of that, I never felt like I could complain much while growing up. I’ve spent my entire adult life trying to make up for lost time.

🎯 Best opening line to a song ever? My vote: “I was sayin' let me out of here before I was even born” from “Blank Generation” by Richard Hell and the Voidoids ‧ 1977.

🎯 Gonna start riding the subway wearing a shirt that reads, “Buy headphones!”

🎯 Weed strains are never named honestly. Like, gimme some of these: “Collecting Unemployment” / “Certified Cheetos Lover” / “XBOX’d and Dreadlocked” / “Suspended License”

🎯 I have consumed too much plant medicine to buy into your silly binary notions of heroes and villains. Come meet me in the forest where everything is connected and then we can talk.

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Working Methods

Recently at Working Methods (featuring ideas to kickstart creative projects):

🗯️ "The trick is not to grow up, not to learn to be an adult...The world tries to make you grow up, to stop imagining, stop fantasizing, stop playing in your mind. And I’ve worked hard to not let the world educate me."
-Terry Gilliam

🗯️ "Whatever you now find weird, ugly, & nasty about a new medium will become its signature. CD distortion, the jitteriness of digital video, the crap sound of 8-bit - all of these will be cherished and emulated as soon as they can be avoided."
-Brian Eno

🗯️ "I don’t want to hear about your true love and your mama and your papa and your friends. Think of somebody you don’t know."
-Toni Morrison

🗯️ “There’s a quote I heard about Edward Hopper, that he was a great artist but he was only a good painter. But if he had been a better painter, he would have been a worse artist.”
-John Mulaney

🗯️ "How does one strike the balance between withholding and vouchsafing information? That is the essential task of the dramatist. and the ability to do that is what separates you from the lesser species in their blue suits. Figure it out."
-David Mamet

Get more:

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Comedy

Get social with me: Instagram – TikTok – Threads – X – Substack Notes – Bluesky. I post clips, jokes, and more there all the time. Here’s a clip from BOLO:

mattrubycomedy

A post shared by @mattrubycomedy

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Up ahead: Bonus quickies on politics, Bill Burr, running the government like a startup, etc…

More politics

🎯 I bet most Americans think we're worried about looming Fashionism.

🎯 I don’t have TDS, I have CEACOCTS (college educated and capable of critical thinking syndrome).

🎯 Let’s make a deal where we’re okay with billionaires as long as they go to therapy.

🎯 Bill Burr's PR tour should teach Dems an important lesson: Their messaging should make late night talk show hosts uncomfortable. Give ‘em "should I break for commercial?" level sweat. People are craving someone who says stuff corporations don't want them to say. It cuts through. And right now, the sense is corporations tell Democrats what to do while 🍊 tells corporations what to do. (Related Rubesletter: Why the far right hates Bill Burr now.)

🎯 Listening to how Josh Shapiro and Jon Ossoff speak makes me realize Barack Obama was the Dave Attell of politics. So many people who have followed him sound just like him.

🎯 The problem with running the government like a tech company is the risk is distributed across the entire population instead of a small group of VC's/shareholders. Smash your own stuff all ya want, but "move fast and break things" hits different when it's OTHER people's things.

🎯 I believe this eliminates "waste, fraud, and abuse” the same I believed it delivered "diversity, equity, and inclusion" (i.e. hardly at all).

🎯 Put MAGA in a bind. Start doing REPUBLICAN drag stuff, like Drag Border Patrol, Drag Gun Show, and Drag Prouder Boys.

🎯 People on the right want their daddy. People on the left want their mommy. People in the middle just want them both to grow the hell up.

Thanks for reading!

M.

P.S. Flyer up top based on this drawing from my childhood. Cy Twombly vibes not bad for a 4yo.