When my mom told me about her abortion
1 in 3 American women will have terminated a pregnancy by age 45. My mom wanted me to know she was one of them. On secrets, shame, and abortion.
📰 This is the Rubesletter from Matt Ruby (comedian, writer, and the creator of Vooza). Sign up to get it in your inbox weekly.
When I was a kid, our family was out to dinner and, after a few glasses of wine, my mother was feeling herself. Out of nowhere, she decided to spill the beans on the fact she had terminated a pregnancy years earlier. I was around 12 and had no idea how to respond, so I said nothing. Neither did my sister. My dad just rolled his eyes, looked at her, and muttered, “FRAN-ces.” It was his attempt to convey “not now/this is inappropriate/you’re drunk,” but, as usual, it was ineffective. And then we went back to eating.
My mom said unorthodox things quite a bit. My usual routine around that: Act like it didn’t happen, bury it away, and then discuss it with my therapist decades later. It didn’t occur to me to ask followup questions. According to my sister, the abortion took place around a decade earlier and the decision was based on marital woes; my parents were considering separating at the time. I can’t verify that now since my mom’s not around to discuss it anymore. Now, the reason for the abortion doesn’t intrigue me as much as why she felt compelled to tell her children about it.
My guess: She wanted us to know it meant something to her. It was an event that hadn’t left her mind. And when she felt something, she communicated it. Revealing secrets provides relief. It’s baggage you no longer need to carry around.
Also, I think she wanted her children to know that abortions happen. Not just out there, but also right here. Just because we don’t talk about something, doesn’t mean it didn’t happen. It wasn’t just her secret she wanted to reveal, it was a secret that’s kept by our entire culture. Namely, that what she did was unusual when, in fact, the opposite is true.
“Safe, legal, and rare.”
“Safe, legal, and rare.” That’s the have-your-cake-and-abort-it-too catchphrase that’s dominated for years. From a political standpoint, it’s effective needle threading.
But actually, abortion isn’t rare. It's surprisingly normal: "Nearly one in three American women will have terminated a pregnancy by age 45, and six in 10 abortions are performed on women who are already mothers." I remember reading that and being shocked at the commonness of it. One in three women! And so many who are already mothers! How are we supposed to have an honest conversation about something so many people keep a secret?
(Note: I’m a man. If you think that makes my opinion on this topic worthless, I get it. Feel free to keep on scrollin’. My point of view on abortion is my point of view doesn’t matter because women should decide what happens to their bodies. In fact, you might be able to convince me that moms should be allowed to off their kids up until about 3 years old if they’re ultrabratty. So maybe I’m not someone to reference in your footnotes, y’know? Also, I realize for many this is one of those Topics That Should Not Be Joked About™️. But I don’t believe in that concept so abortion-related jokes ahead.</caveat>)
As a man, my ignorance related to the female body is astounding. I don’t think I’m alone either. If you don’t believe me, ask the dudes around you to define a pap smear.
🃏 Patriarchy-in-action thing I just learned: The word hysteria originates from the Greek word for uterus, hystera. So whenever we call a lady hysterical, we're basically saying, "You're being extra uterussy right now."Secrets
Abortions are typically kept secret and secrets are associated with shame, embarrassment, and hiding. It’s tough to advocate for something forcefully while simultaneously being (or seeming) ashamed of it. I can’t help but wonder how different the debate might be if women talked about their abortions loudly and, um, proudly? That feels like the wrong word. Honestly. That feels better. Imagine if there was a #MeToo movement for abortion. If every woman who’s had an abortion was vocal about it, the volume would be deafening. Instead, we simultaneously march and whisper about the thing we’re marching for.
🃏 I think the word abortion is part of the problem. People tend to recoil at the word. But we're so good at nicknaming other female things: C-section, G-spot, etc. Proposal: Let's start using A-bomb for abortions. That makes 'em sound way more acceptable. "Oh yeah, I dropped an A-bomb in college. Look he was a DJ who sold molly, it was a preemptive strike." Contrast that with pro-lifers, who scream, rant, and generally couldn’t be prouder of their cause. Heck, at this point, I’m half-expecting to see some tweet that reads:
BREAKING: Tennessee passes bill making it illegal to say, "Happy Birthday." Residents must now wish each other "Happy Conception Day."
It just feels so odd we’re relitigating crap I (stupidly) thought society had settled 50 years ago. It feels like stepping out of a broken time machine.
And amazingly, abortion may become illegal because of Donald Trump, a man who quite possibly could be responsible for more abortions than any other non-doctor who's ever lived. Considering his age, proclivities, and the timing of Roe vs. Wade, one could make a legit argument that no man has benefitted from that decision more than him. I wonder if he stiffs abortion doctors like he does casino contractors.
Meanwhile, these other old geezer politicians seem to have no clue about anything to do with female bodies. If you can't explain what an ectopic pregnancy is then I don't think you should get a vote. It's like someone who doesn't know the difference between a block and a charge deciding who’s on the all-NBA team.
Where are my elites?
Alas, it’s not really that surprising we’ve arrived here (again)…
The right: Spends decades funding think tanks, devises strategy around increasing the number of right-wing judges, organizes at state and national levels, gets Roe v Wade repealed.
The left: "I knit this pink hat and my poster has glitter on it!"
Sigh. It’s disheartening to consistently get outflanked by a bunch of people who also believe in angels. If my side is Team Elites, I’d love to start seeing some elite pre-emptive strategizing as opposed to boo-hoo ex post facto social media posts that do nothing to move the needle.
“There’s strength in diversity,” argues the left. But there also seems to be a lot of power in having a homogenous groupthink tribe able to march in lockstep formation for decades. There’s a reason the military doesn’t just have everyone fight for whichever cause matters most to them. The generals pick one, tell everyone to get onboard, and then get the job done. Sounds nice.
Mob justices
The current big strategy on the left seems to be forming mobs outside of judges’ homes. Oh great. Astounding how the ultrawoke went from "you should never doxx someone's home address" to "it's cool to have a mob surround someone's house" in a mere 72 hours.
I feel like a good test on all this is how would you feel about it if the roles were reversed: If a bunch of MAGA types formed a mob and surrounded the home of a judge who ruled in favor of abortion/immigration rights would that also be cool Yes, argue some:
The goal is to apply political pressure and confront power. Ordinary people don’t have too many mechanisms for democratic expression, particularly when it comes to SCOTUS justices…some form of disruptive protest has been fundamental to practically every major mass movement victory.
But I have a tough time seeing "let's surround a person's home" as a mindful elevation of our political dialogue. Also, I'm dubious about its effectiveness. A good question to ask: Is this more or less likely to help my side win elections?
My fear is this mobs-at-homes thing repels more than it attracts and thus has the opposite of the desired effect. I vote for LESS "doing this makes me feel good and/or righteous" and MORE "doing this is an effective strategy."
Those without a choice
My sea level thinking on all this keeps going back to the aftermath to Hurricane Katrina. I remember people lamenting the plight of those left behind while also commenting, “But they were warned. Why did they stay?” Because they didn’t have a choice; they had no way to leave and/or nowhere to go. So they (mostly poor, mostly black) remained and suffered. And those are the same kind of people who will face the brunt of what happens next. Women with money have options; they will be able to drive across state lines or fly somewhere else. The ones who can’t leave are the ones who will have to deal with the flood.
🃏 The right is terrified of gun bans. So they constantly tell everyone how much they LOVE guns. They have gun shows (no background checks required!), put bumper stickers on their trucks, and hang a stuffed deer head in the basement and call it a man cave. That's how you fight gun bans.
The left is terrified of abortion bans. So they really should start telling everyone how much they LOVE abortions. Have an abortion show (no parental consent required!), put an "I'll give you my abortion clinic when you pry it from my cold, dead hands" sticker on your Volvo, and hang a stuffed fetus in the basement and call it a menstruation cave. That's how you fight abortion bans.Phew, that one was dark. Not even sure it’s all that funny. In fact, I thought about leaving it out. But then I realized we need more dumb jokes about abortion. We need more humor, more talking, and more honesty about it – without guilt or shame.
My wish is that more women are able to blurt out their secrets, just like my mother did. Otherwise, I fear they’ll be sentenced to a lifetime of carrying around something they shouldn’t have to keep.
Quickies
🎯 I love when people post a “close friends only” IG story and then it’s just like a pic of an egg sandwich — it’s like “Yeah, best not let the masses get a load of THIS one.”
🎯 Funny that anyone still thinks Sports Illustrated's Swimsuit Cover matters. What is this, 1993? Y'all gonna have a hot debate about the Victoria's Secret catalog next!? You realize there is an avalanche of p0rn just one click away from EVERY TEENAGE BOY now, right? Focus, people, focus.
🎯 "I have chronic book pain."
-Illiterate people
🎯 WeWork and Theranos shows teach an important lesson: If your workplace ever tries to lead employees in a group cheer, RUN!!!!!!
🎯 I keep changing therapists because I'm sick of them lecturing me about my fear of commitment.
🎯 The media needs to stop reporting standup comedian material as if it represents a person's 100% true, authentic views. A comedy stage ain't a courtroom, we aren’t under oath, and we’re often just saying whatever it takes to get a laugh. Related: Mitch Hedberg's apartment was never ACTUALLY infested with koala bears.
🎯 Headline: “Flink has acquired Cajoo.” Flink? Cajoo!? I like when acquisitions sound like they were made up by The Onion. "Did you hear? Unst Unst just acquired Tungazi!"
🎯 The biggest sign we're addicted to our phones: When one breaks, we take it to a place named UBreakiFix. We can’t even be bothered to say a complete sentence. We just start speaking like Tarzan: "UBreakiFix? CrackedScreenMeDrunk. NoPhoneBrainHurt. UTikMeTok."
Standup
Last week’s Substance project show was great. One more to go! If you’re in NYC, here are details. Also, I’m headlining in NOLA and Chicago soon:
New Orleans - Comedy House NOLA - Friday, May 27. Two shows. 7pm tix and 9pm tix.
Chicago - Lincoln Lodge - Thursday, June 16 at 9pm. Tickets.
Some clips:
Spotted
🗯 “This feels like the death of a huge part of myself.” Pop stars on life after the spotlight moves on.
When 10,000 Maniacs’ Natalie Merchant grew tired of being a marketable commodity, she quit for the quieter life of a solo artist, and was then duly horrified when her debut album, 1995’s Tigerlily, sold 5m copies, because “then came the treadmill again”. The next time she tried to retire, she did so more forcefully, and now teaches arts and crafts to underprivileged children in New York state. “I look at people like Bob Dylan and Paul McCartney,” she says, referring to the way both legends continue to tour, “and I think to myself: ‘If I were you, I’d just go home and enjoy my garden.’ It’s a question of temperament, clearly.”
🗯 Travel is best with young children, according to Derek Sivers.
Kids aren’t impressed with impressive.
This took me a long time to learn. I would travel for hours to take my son somewhere really impressive — some superlative structure or view. Once we arrived, he would be thrilled by the tiniest thing. “Oooh! Look! Caterpillar!” He was never impressed with what was supposed to be impressive.
I drove hours to take him to a famous landmark, but we never made it past the entrance because he was so fascinated with a dead log filled with bugs. We played with that log for hours until it was time to leave.
End result? They’re right! “Impressive” is for adults. “Impressive” is often satisfying a bucket list, but it can make you overlook what’s actually fun. Kids help you keep this in perspective.
🗯 We’re in a Loneliness Crisis: Another Reason to Get Off Our Phones.
Go watch the rain for 10 minutes. Go on a walk with a friend. Get off social media and meet one neighbor. Keep your kids offline. Put your hands in the dirt. Play an instrument instead of a video game. Turn off your smartphone and have dinner with people around a table. Search for beauty and goodness in the material world, and there, find joy. The way back to ourselves, as individuals and a society, runs through old, earthy things.
🗯 The tragic story of retired NBA player Eddy Curry: The Truth Was Way Worse.
I found out that my son Noah was right there when his mother and sister were shot. But he was so little that he didn’t really understand what had happened. He’d tried to wake up his mom after the shooting, so when the officers went in and found him there, he had blood all over him. He actually laid down next to her and had fallen asleep.
Noah hadn’t been able to wake up his mom or his sister, and probably thought they were sleeping, so he went to sleep, too.
🗯 Justin Mikolay’s 26 of the Most Powerful Things I've Ever Learned (About Life, Career & Relationships).
Every time your spouse or partner says the word LOVE about anything
Even small things...a song, a smell, something in nature, ANYTHING
Capture it in writing (in your phone)
That list will define who you love to their essence
Thanks for reading!
-Matt