We're Not Used to Believing

What this Knicks team means to New York. Also: Quickies on therapy, soy boys, Geese, the moral arc of the universe, and much more.

Last year, this mural outside Spike Lee’s film co. in Brooklyn paid tribute to the ANCESTORS. If you’ve lived this, you know what this current Knicks team means to New Yorkers.

---

🔔 Don’t care about sports? Scroll down to the funny Quickies at the end. Good stuff there. Also: This newsletter is 100% AI-free. I write it myself, which takes time. If you want to support it, hit the paid plan below. Thanks.

---

If you don’t live here, you might not understand. NYC: Most knowledgeable fans in the world. Basketball is in this city’s veins, from Rucker Park to Coney Island. When MSG is feeling it, there’s nothing like it in all of sports. We don’t need matching t-shirts, we have matching chutzpah. Save that crap for Oklahomans.

And this team is so lovable. In Jalen Brunson we trust.

Cool.

He’s got me texting things like I’m a guest on Call Her Daddy: “No other man has ever made me feel this safe.” All those reps with his dad show. Oh captain, my captain.

We deal with Mitch’s ugly a** free throws ‘cuz he’s a monster on the offensive boards. Bridges’ midrange game is positively retro, OG is effortless cool, and Hart lives up to his name. KAT sashays, Deuce grinds, Clarkson buckets, José steals, and Shamet strokes.

Mike Brown is a pat on the back guy more than the yelling type, but he keeps solving riddles in impressive ways. And goddamn if GM Leon Rose didn’t do something we all had come to think was impossible. He built a winner via patience, discipline, and shrewdness. As for the owner, [redacted because I don’t want to get banned from MSG].

We got Ben in the front row. Timmy too. Them traveling to Indiana together to watch a road game was just downright sweet. Heck, we even let a Kardashian ride along. Tracy Morgan, Jon Stewart, Fat Joe, etc. (Related: If Fat Joe and Jelly Roll are gonna go all skinny via Ozempic, they should have to change their names.)

And all the 90’s teammates who never got over the hump have our forever respect and are in the building too. Patrick, Starks, LJ. (We miss you Oak!) We don’t forget the way they battled MJ. Those teams embodied what New York fans value most: fight, hustle, and grit. Want it.

Do you even care? Maybe not. I just want people to know how much this team means to this city. It might be the last thing the 1% and the bodegas can agree on anymore. We can taste it. We’re starting to believe – and we’re not used to believing. It’s scary to have faith. Wemby or SGA lurks…but right now, we’re a step closer than we’ve been in decades. And that’s giving us feeeeeelings.

Let’s go Knicks!!!!!

---

Listen up

Me talk good on this podcast re: comedy, life, and Jew stuff. Get some.

---

Quickies

• If you want men to go to it, rebrand therapy as mindmaxxing.

• I’m not a soy boy. I’m an edamaman.

• Need mindfulness because mind full.

• You know who probably liked segregation? Water fountain manufacturers.

• The moral arc of the universe needs to see a chiropractor. Damn thing keeps bending in the wrong direction.

• I need a coach that helps me avoid offers from other coaches now that everyone in the world has decided they’re a coach.

• To everyone who counted me out.
  To everyone who expected me to fail.
  To everyone who said I didn’t have what it takes.
  Who do you have in Spurs/Thunder? Gonna bet on it and you seem good at predicting stuff.

• WhatsRot - the inevitable devolution of every WhatsApp group into political rants, dumb memes, or someone hawking their supplements/workshop/retreat/course/life coaching.

• Our society has over-indexed on qualities that serve capitalism more than the human spirit. We need to get the positive aspects of “leave some money on the table” out there more.

• White people are all about saunas but don’t know about bongos.

• I’m okay with trans women competing in women’s sports because I don’t care at all about women’s sports. Apathy is a superpower!

• I find the biggest problem with narcissism to be how persuasive it is to morons.

• I’m starting to think all these Pixar movies didn’t teach our kids sh*t.

• Proposed sausage slogan: “It was the best of times, it was the wurst of times.”

• The size of a single woman’s dog is inversely proportional to her sanity.

• My big problem with optimists is how bad they are at stopping terrible things from happening.

• I’d say this whole thing sounds like an absurd TV comedy...

  

  …but it literally already was one!

  

• Time to reconsider Sesame Street. The Cookie Monster is a totally one dimensional character and Bert/Ernie completely fail the Bechdel Test.

• We now add gratuity before we even get the thing. That’s more of a bet than a tip.

• When you think about it, “I need a ballroom for security” is pretty hilarious.

• I think the word “psyop” is a psyop. Never heard it until recently and now it’s EVERYWHERE. It’s the Geese of words.

• 1990’s: “Isn’t it ironic?”
  2020’s: “Isn’t it iconic?”

• Can you thump anything besides the Bible? I’d like to be Vladimir Nabokov thumper, a Robert Rauschenberg thumper, or a Van Halen “might as well thump”er.

• Credit card points people vs. 10,000 steps people: Who’s more insane? I’m going with credit card folks. Sorting offers, opening/closing accounts, rolling over payments...it’s like working a full time job just to get a free hotel room every 18 months.

• On Brooklyn Sundays, the women carry yoga mats to get matcha the way generals wear medals to a military parade.

• Congrats to vegans on being replaced by poly people as the most annoying type of person.

• Now that I’m an old man, I get it. Sometimes clouds need to be yelled at.

You did it! Over and out.

-Matt