We don't know how to forgive

No mercy! How our entire society turned into the Cobra Kai.

Quickies

🎯 Aliens are angels for bros.

🎯 One thing I hate about rallies is how much power is given to a person simply because they own a megaphone. Think about what kind of person goes out and thinks, “I need a megaphone.”

🎯 Honestly, I’m just surprised any Columbia students know how to pitch a tent.

🎯 Tough times for Jews who love watermelon and/or free speech.

🎯 I'm jealous of incels. At least they found each other.

🎯 Watch me do standup at the Beacon Theater in front of 3,000 people:

🎯 You should only get to have an opinion about WNBA salaries if you can name more than 3 WNBA teams. I got the Fever, the Lynx, and, hmm....the Mirandas? The L.A. Vogue? The Phoenix Mercury in Retrograde?

🎯 “Arm doors for departure” seems unnecessarily violent. We can’t just close and lock ‘em? It’s already a bit tense up in here.

🎯 Bill Barr: "Trump may be playing Russian roulette." Trump: "I know Russian roulette very well. I got along with Russian roulette. Russian roulette likes me. I like Russian roulette."

🎯 Tim Ferriss walked so Aubrey Marcus could cold plunge so Andrew Huberman could gaslight.

🎯 I’m tired of y’all crapping on labradoodles. It’s like when people decide an attractive woman must be bitchy. Look, it’s not their fault they’re cute/not a rescue.

🎯 Doing crowdwork is to comedy what being a caricaturist is to fine art.

🎯 Kinda amazing how quickly sports betting went from “sinful trap for addicts that ruins lives” into the money funnel that supports all of sports media.

🎯 Texting is more like a text-based video game than an actual conversation.

🎯 Try to be the music you love.

---

Doing this newsletter on the regular takes a lotta time and effort so please help keep it going by subscribing to the paid plan. You’ll get bonus content and good vibes. Thanks!

---

Comedy

🃏 Thanks to everyone who came out to my taping on Sunday night in NYC. Two sold out shows with some really magical vibes.

Can't wait for y'all to see the finished product! Stay tuned for updates on that. Probably coming out on YouTube in a couple of months…but if you know someone at a streamer who wants to throw a pile of cash at me, feel free to reach out.

🃏 More jokes, info, and clips of my standup via my social media: Instagram, TikTok, Threads, and YouTube.

🃏 Tickets and tour dates.

Photo by Matt Salacuse.

---

The mercy deficit

[This section revised from a previous newsletter.]

We say we want apologies. But do we really? Justin Timberlake and Louis CK publicly apologized.

But did it help? They both keep getting dragged for their past missteps.

And think about what our ongoing zeal to punish incentivizes. If confessing gets you nowhere, then deny-deny-deny becomes the most logical path for the accused. Why own up to bad behavior if it accomplishes nothing? Especially if calling things a hoax or attacking your accusers gives you plausible deniability. (See: A certain Presidential candidate who never apologizes.)

It’s all part of a larger trend: We don’t seem to know how to forgive anymore. We have an incessant urge to punish and an inability to display empathy or tolerance. Whether we’re talking about convicts or the cancelled, we seem incapable of forgiveness.

In these bloodthirsty times, dunking typically goes further than compassion online. The algorithm incentivizes us toward rage and tribalism. Tolerance is no match for fury. So we find the trending target du jour and put ‘em up against the wall.

A lack of forgiveness on both sides
This collapse of empathy is easy to spot on the right as it endorses the Big Lie, wages war on abortion rights, and pretends January 6 was just a meetup for alphas.

But the left ain’t clean on this either. Progressives get it on certain issues, like mass incarceration or the war on drugs. With those things, progressives realize rehabilitation is key and advocate for paths to redemption that allow the convicted to reform themselves.

After all, it’s become increasingly obvious how much we punish people who actually just require treatment. Portugal has shown us how effective decriminalization plus rehabilitation can be. And even right-wingers are getting the message now that red states are overrun with pillbillies.

But notice how quickly progressives’ compassionate attitude evaporates when it comes to cancelling those who say or do offensive things. One foolish social media post can make you persona non grata in perpetua. When can you come back? No one knows, but, uh, not yet.

Oddly, we’re supposed to apply grace to criminals who have stolen from or physically assaulted others yet deny it to those who offer up disagreeable opinions. Weird.

Got tough?
And then there’s the #metoo harassers who treated others reprehensibly. Some have been exiled from mainstream media and lost their careers. OK, but do they ever get to come back? Or are they stuck on Rumble island forever?

Sure, let’s hold #metoo jerks accountable for what they’ve done. But what is their eventual path back? What’s the end game or should they just rot in hell in perpetuity? If all that “get tough” sentencing is an ineffective solution to violent crime in the hood, it’s odd that we think it’s the answer with these guys.

“Who cares? Screw ‘em!” I know the vitriolic approach offers short term feelz, but so does, y’know, cold-blooded revenge.

Plus, it’s hypocritical if you apply hatred inconsistently. One day the person targeted might be someone you admire (e.g. Al Franken). You can’t expect kid gloves for your team while demanding cement shoes for those on the other side.

Faith no more
Our inability to forgive is probably related to the decline in our religiosity. Faith teaches us about redemption: Catholics go into the confession booth, Jews atone for sins on Yom Kippur, etc. Organized religion offers a return ticket from sin. And that teaches us to “turn the other cheek” elsewhere in our lives too.

Or at least it used to. We don’t go to church anymore. Now, political tribalism is our religion and the enemy deserves no mercy. We’ve switched dojos from Mr. Miyagi to the Cobra Kai.

So how do we recover from our addiction to punishment?

One potential solution is restorative justice, which “emphasizes repairing harm, healing, and rebuilding relationships among victims, the offenders, and the communities.” It lets victims help decide how those who’ve wronged them can repair the damage.

Danielle Sered, the author of Until We Reckon, explains:

Our criminal injustice system lets people off the hook, as they aren’t obligated to answer the victims’ questions, listen to them, honor their pain, express genuine remorse, or do what they can to repair the harm they’ve done. They’re not required to take steps to heal themselves or address their own trauma, so they’re less likely to harm others in the future. The only thing prison requires is that people stay in their cages and somehow endure the isolation and violence of captivity. Prison deprives everyone concerned — victims and those who have caused harm, as well as impacted families and communities — the opportunity to heal, honor their own humanity, and to break cycles of violence that have destroyed far too many lives.

What victims often crave most is recognition of their hurt and the moral wrongs involved. But right now, admitting guilt and taking responsibility frequently gets you nowhere. If we were to do a better job at offering a path for bad actors to reenter society, accountability would become a much more enticing option.

Imagine if a #metoo guy (Charlie Rose?) were to sit down with his accusers, apologize, and accept responsibility for his actions. He’d then listen to the negative impact of his behavior. And, collectively, an appropriate punishment could be administered – along with a path back to redemption. We could even put it on TV and televise it. Let Oprah run the whole deal (after all, she’s the closest thing we’ve got to a mainstream religious leader).

Otherwise, it’s going to keep happening. Surveillance society will inevitably reveal more and more wrongs all over the place. Eventually, we’ll wind up in a place where a huge chunk of society is cancelled (or exiled) for some reason.

In the end, the question may be do we actually want healing and rehabilitation or would we rather stick with the visceral thrill of putting someone in the hole?

---

5-spotted

🗯️ A fan of musician Nick Cave finds his religious turn “difficult.” Cave’s excellent response:

When I think of the artists that I truly admire, those that I have stuck with over the years, at some point in their lengthy careers they have all disappointed me…Yet there is something about them that keeps me captivated, and forever alert to what they might do next. More than anything, this has to do with their authenticity. I know that on a fundamental level they are on their own path and they are not in the business of shaping their lives, artistic or otherwise, in order to please or make others feel better. They are fully and acutely authentic, regardless of my feelings, or the feelings of anyone else and I find this deeply reassuring in a world that so often feels devoid of genuineness. In fact, if I sense that an artist is creating, saying or doing things just to win public approval, or to yield to the demands of the market, well, that’s when I tend to turn away.

[via

Myq Kaplan

]

🗯️ A Letter of Advice to Young Contrarians from Christopher Hitchens.

Beware the irrational, however seductive. Shun the ‘transcendent’ and all who invite you to subordinate or annihilate yourself. Distrust compassion; prefer dignity for yourself and others. Don’t be afraid to be thought arrogant or selfish. Picture all experts as they were mammals. Never be a spectator of unfairness or stupidity. Seek out argument and disputation for their own sake; the grave will supply plenty of time for silence. Suspect your own motives, and all excuses. Do not live for others any more than you would expect others to live for you.

🗯️ Bill T. Jones, choreographer, on how to start.

So how do you start? Terror. Guilt. Fear. All negatives to this generation of young people who don’t ever want to be uncomfortable, but the generation that formed me and my own generation had that feeling that you’re being pushed against and you’ve got to push back, because you’re not like them. As Martha Graham said to Agnes de Mille, “There is only a queer divine dissatisfaction, a blessed unrest that keeps us marching and makes us more alive than the others.” I’ve got to believe that about myself, and the evidence is what I dare to do.

🗯️ Derek Sivers: Decide everything is your fault.

Whoever you blame has power over you, so blame only yourself. When you blame your location, culture, race, or history, you’re abdicating your autonomy.

🗯️ George Bernard Shaw on life as a torch:

"I want to be thoroughly used up when I die, for the harder I work the more I live. I rejoice in life for its own sake. Life is not ‘brief candle’ for me. It is sort of a splendid torch which I have got hold of for the moment, and I want to make it burn as brightly as possible before handing it on to future generations.”

Thanks for reading. I appreciate you.

-Matt

P.S. My other newsletter is Funny How: Letters to a Young Comedian. It’s filled with tips on doing standup from comedy legends. And you can listen to my podcast: Kind of a Lot with Matt Ruby. 🤘

Photo by Sam Cashell.