Clooney amnesia was the smoking gun
On Biden, Magoogate, and spin doctors. Also: Sharp gems on love, tech, AI, politics, and more.
The ladies of The View recently asked Joe Biden if he was dealing with “cognitive decline” at the end of his presidency. Guess what? He denied it. What silliness. We really gotta stop asking senile people if they're senile. They're never like, "Yup, ya got me! Now where am I?" No one wants you to take the keys away.
And now we’ve got “Original Sin” (melodramatic enough title for ya?), the new book by Jake Tapper and Axios Man No One Knows exploring what happened with Magoogate. The big story the publishers dropped first: "Biden did not even recognize actor George Clooney!"
Cracks me up that the biggest crime a man can now commit is not recognizing George Clooney. THE HORROR. 🧟♂️ Kinda feels more like a commentary on our culture of celebrity worship than senility. What’s next? “Proof of death? She didn’t even lip sync to 'Shake it Off'…put her in a body bag!"
Of course Biden’s inner circle covered up his slippage – but also, wasn’t that their job? “Look, what do you expect from flacks and hacks?” Rep. Brad Sherman (D-California) said. “I’ve got a press secretary, and I’m sure he told you I am the most brilliant incisive man to ever walk the planet. If he didn’t, he’s fired. Of course the people who worked for the president said he is brilliant.” Are we really that shocked that spin doctors were, y’know, spinning?
But it turns out crafty Joe had the perfect get-out-of-PR-jail card up his sleeve…
Oof. Best wishes to him. My dad had cancer that metastasized to the bone and one thing I learned is doctors aren’t super positive about anything that’s “in your bones.”
Kinda convenient timing that he was diagnosed [redacted]. Eh, screw it. Redactions are how we got here. When was he really diagnosed? Can’t help but wonder if he knew about this for a while and decided to drop it now as a smokescreen distraction because legacy. The man hasn’t exactly built up a wellspring of trust re: his health, y’know?
47 came out and said Biden had “Stage 9” cancer because 🍊 is incapable of not exaggerating numbers. That’s how his 10,996 square feet apartment became 33,000 square feet, his 58 story building became 68 stories, and his net worth inflated by $2.2 Billion in a single year.
The dude would probably inflate his blood pressure if given a chance.
Meanwhile, he’s accepting $400M jets (for the people), screaming “boo” instead of “Bruuuuuuce,” and contemplating whether or not due process matters. On all that:
🔹 When a Qatari offers you an expensive gift, he's gonna expect something in return. Just ask any Instagram model on a yacht in Mykonos.
🔹 Going after T Swift and Bruce!? What's next? Is 🍊 gonna attack apple pie, baseball, and the Constitut– Wait a minute.
🔹 The Stephen Miller Band woulda hit way different.. “Abra-abra-cadabra…ICE wanna reach out and grab ya.” “Fly like an eagle (to El Salvador).” “I’m a moper, anti-woker, Supreme Court revoker, I do my tariffs on the run.”
Is there any potential positive to all this Magoogate meshugas? Maybe it’ll be the tip of the (aging) iceberg. Plenty more of these old coots running our politics are senile. Let’s get some cognitive tests going for Grassley, Mitch, and the rest of ‘em so we don’t get a Feinstein 2.0 situation. It’s ridiculous to live in a gerontocracy where geezers who won't be around leverage our kids' futures. I’m Gen X. It’s our turn to leverage kids' futures!
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Comedy
Did you watch my BOLO special yet? It’s good! You can also listen at Spotify.
Watch clips of my standup at my Instagram, YouTube, or TikTok.
Love, dating, and sex
♦️ We condemn gold diggers yet praise sex workers. That’s weird. Gold diggers are just sex workers who understand subtlety. It’s like getting mad at a magician for hiding the trick.
♦️ Memory foam mattress? No, thanks. I’m seeking a bed capable of forgetting everything that happens there.
♦️ Maybe dating's gotten harder because we never leave each other alone now and a big part of attraction is missing someone.
♦️ When you decide it’s cool to date the Pope:
♦️ Her: “How do I know you’re not some kinda stalker?”
Me: “Well, every woman who’s ever broken up with me complained I didn’t pay enough attention to her…so I feel like you’re safe.”
♦️ When it comes to emotions, men are like local TV news while women are like that Citizen app. Men will let ya know the big stuff, like when a tornado touches down, but women will alert you every time someone throws a tomato at a Safeway.
♦️ Women dislike catfishing, when a guy posts a pic holding a fish, and any man who seems fishy. Yet they love sushi. Inconsistent fish feelings!
♦️ Attachment theory and love languages are fantasy football and crypto for women.
♦️ A big red flag for me is when a woman thinks I’m attractive.
Shows
Hot show in NYC on Wednesday night (5/21). Tickets here. Promo code JOY20.
AI
◽️ AI people hijacked the word hallucination. It should be about a jaguar with antennae singing a duet with Groucho Marx, not ChatGPT making up bogus crap about when the Mona Lisa was painted.
◽️ Every time I hear him talk about Selena, I feel like Benny Blanco is an AI trained on romance novels.
◽️ Soon, we're all gonna have the option of an AI partner who never criticizes us, never cheats, never has a bad day, always thinks we're right, and has no outside life. Good luck to the actual humans who have to compete with THAT. Get ready for a ton of "Why don't you ever talk to me like AI does?"
◽️ First AI came for the photographers and I said nothing. Then AI came for the writers and I said nothing. Then AI came for the coders and I said 404 File Not Found.
Misc
🎯 It's weird that OCD is a disorder that makes you want everything to be in order. It's like being addicted to not having addictions.
🎯 Crazy that we only offer a seasonal window to get health insurance like it's the McRib.
🎯 "The expert class has failed us." Compared to what? We’ve never had a control group with a bunch of morons running everything. Well, at least not until now.
🎯 chinsecure - that feeling you get when your accidentally click on your front-facing camera and see your face from below
🎯 Imagine if the Brady roast had happened AFTER this Belichick/gf interview.
🎯 Sketch idea: Kid caught with hand in cookie jar and chocolate on his face replies, "Those allegations are from a hit piece filled with anonymous sources. It's just a bunch of disgruntled staffers who hold a grudge against me. I'm innocent and this is the last I'll comment on the situation." [Pauses. Takes big bite of cookie.]
Up ahead: Gems about Stephen A., Jews, trans, “pick me” behavior, crypto, Libertarians, and more…
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