Something freaky is happening

Extremists keep putting all of us in a pickle.

Which side: Israel/Gaza? Politics: Left/right? Elon Musk: Clueless or ketamine?

I’ve been searching for a unification theory for my views and I think I’ve got it:

I want religious freaks to have less control over our lives.

I don’t want Hamas deciding what happens in Gaza. They’re a bunch of freaks.

Likewise, I don’t want Itamar Ben Gvir and Bezalel Smotrich deciding what happens in Israel. Freaks. (See: “The Unpunished: How Extremists Took Over Israel” in NY Times.)

I don’t want Marjorie Taylor Greene and Mike Johnson deciding what happens in America. Johnson recently said, “What does Mike Johnson think about any issue? Well, go pick up a Bible off your shelf and read it. That’s my worldview.” Dude, our culture has upgraded its software in the past 2000+ years.

Also, I don’t want Russell Brand and Ben Shapiro deciding what happens on social media. Freaks.

And while we’re at it, feel free to label woke extremists as religious freaks too. It’s just a different kind of religion, according to John McWhorter.

This religion, he points out, exhibits characteristics familiar in established faiths, and for the most part the points of similarities he draws are apt. There’s a supposed original sin: “white privilege.” There’s a strain of apocalyptic thinking: the present is a cesspool; progress on racial issues depends on something like a judgment day. There’s the expulsion of heretics, deemed to be not simply in error, but morally corrupt. Just as medieval Catholics defended “persecuting Jews and Muslims,” the inquisitors of our times “harbor the exact same brand of mission, just against different persons”…Fervent adherents of the new “woke” religion hold beliefs grounded not in facts, but in defiance of them. They’re unmoved by counterevidence.

It’s relative

Worth pointing out, though: Not all freaks are created equal. In America, the freaks on the left don’t have much actual power. Blue hairs on LibsofTikTok don’t really control anything, y’know?

Meanwhile, the freaks on the right are running the show. Project 2025 is the Heritage Foundation’s blueprint for letting Jesus freaks turn childless cat ladies into autonomous vehicles. (OK, I haven’t actually read Project 2025 but I wouldn’t be surprised if that’s accurate.)

Talked about all this on my podcast ep about “weird”:

These extremists put all of us in a pickle. A common mistake is to think your enemy’s freaks are freaks while your side’s freaks are just misunderstood. Sorry, but the ability to call bullsh*t on your own team is as necessary as it is rare. If you’re unwilling to point out wacko behavior (or, even worse, unable to spot it), you undermine your credibility and sound like a propaganda-spewing puppet. And heaven knows we’ve got enough of those already.

This isn’t me being anti-religious. Just don’t be a freak about it. 😇

Also, shoutout to everyone who is a person of faith but doesn't feel the need to scream about it constantly, put it in their bio, or impose their views on others. You're doing the lord's work.

I’m just representing the will of the people.

The grift evolution

I will hand it to Russell Brand, however. He’s enacting the “Evolution of a Grifter” playbook to perfection…

1. Start off as a junkie. Hone your “outside the box” mindset.

2. Become a comedian/actor. Use show biz fame to gain a following.

3. Pivot to online yogi/wellness influencer. Perfect way to sell supplements (i.e. the ideal way to monetize idiocy).

   

4. Embrace conspiracy theories and become a “heterodox thinker." The mainstream media has to deal with pesky things like editors, fact checkers, and rules about not accepting money from Russian oligarchs. Not you! Embrace half-truths and double your audience. Be sure to use words like "lie", "hid," and "exposed" as much as possible. Make your kooks feel like private eyes about to crack a case.

5. (Optional) Get accused of being a sex pest. Blame "media corruption and censorship" and "deep state and corporate collusion" for the credible allegations. Then, keep it moving – and be thankful for short attention spans.

6. Become a Jesus freak. Embrace your destiny. Spend all day talking about it. The more people are religious, the more tolerant they become of mediocre content, like Mel Gibson movies. Plus, true believers are the ones most likely to pony up $6/month to join your “community.”

“Relevant.”

Watching Brand execute these steps perfectly has been like watching Tom Brady dissect a Cover 2 defense.

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Btw, if you’re gonna support someone for $6/month, it should be me! After all, I am “exposing” grifters who are “lying” and “hiding” all around us, right? 🕵️‍♂️

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As for that revisionist historian who was a guest on Tucker Carlson: Some guy on a podcast arguing "nah actually Hitler was the good guy and Churchill was the bad guy" feels like the logical end game of the Hot Take Grifter Economy™️. After all, these supplements ain't gonna sell themselves.

And re: online grifters, did ya see that whole “Tenet (i.e. Tim Pool, Benny Johnson, etc.) was sponsored by Russia” thing?

Look, I tried to warn ya…

…but no one listened. 👇👇👇

Maybe I need to start a new religion. Our core tenet: Beware the chair!

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Funny How

Check out my other newsletter Funny How: Letters to a Young Comedian.

Recent posts there:

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Quickies

🎯 Didn’t go to Burning Man. Never been. That surprises people. But, as a Jew, I feel like we spent so long trying to get out of a desert that volunteering to return to one seems kinda rude to my ancestors.

🎯 Dear incels, I hear you're having a tough time getting laid. May I suggest some tried and true tactics for dealing with this issue? 1) Sell drugs, 2) learn a musical instrument, and/or 3) ride a motorcycle. Most men who do those were once in your shoes. Look at them now!

🎯 There’s too much neon signage nowadays. I liked it better when it was just used for Bud Light signs at dive bars instead of cliché art projects and Brooklyn hipster places screaming “Coffee made me do it” or “Curry is love.”

🎯 You know who flip flops a lot? Guitar players. Sometimes they tighten a string. And then a little while later, they'll loosen it. It's as if all that matters to them is staying in tune.

🎯 Pretty sure Trump hates on ABC so much simply because he knows George Slopadopolous is his best nickname work since Pocahontas and Low Energy Jeb.

🎯 Short attention spans + outrage economy = we may never have another two term President again. We are just gonna be constantly convinced everything is terrible and forget who made it that way and seek “change.”

🎯 Q: On dating apps, why do men always post photos holding a fish? A: We have no other photos. This is one of the only times it's socially acceptable for men to take photos of each other. "Successful hunt! You did manly thing so I capture manly thing in heterosexual way!"

🎯 I was pretty anti-AI last week. But I had a positive thought about it: Could AI actually increase our humanity? Anything that can be done by a computer, will be. The only things of value left for us to produce will be uniquely human. That should elevate soulfulness and creativity. In short, maybe AI will push all to become artists?

🎯 If you love piano, you’re a pianist. If you love bicycles, you’re a bicyclist. If you love racing, you’re a... 🤔

🎯 “I am fiscally conservative but socially liberal.” I get that. I’m cheap but like to do drugs too.

🎯 I am irrationally upset by the emphasis on triple doubles in hoops, a flashy but relatively meaningless stat. No one should ever receive an ovation for getting a rebound.

🎯 I don’t think men should have any say in women’s healthcare. The reason is, well, ask literally any man to define pap smear. “Pap smear? You mean the lil’ blue guy with the beard who’s always fighting Gargamel?”

🎯 We are living in the Age of Bad Faith (which also sounds like the name of a sick death metal album).

🎯 For some reason, my air conditioner wants to connect to the wi-fi. I won't allow it. Most because I'm afraid it's going to wind up with more followers than me.

🎯 Most of getting older is thinking, “I really should have made more money by now.”

Thanks for reading.

-Matt