Show me your flag and I’ll guess your conspiracy
On red flags, blue states, and white lies. Plus, thoughts on love from Dan Savage, Nietzsche, and me.
10 thoughts on love
💟 The secret to long term relationships is NOT communication. The secret is knowing when to shut the hell up.
💟 Listening to Fiona Apple makes me feel like a woman about to get bangs.
💟 I don't trust any name with a positive adjective. Like, it's sus how “ethical non-monogamy” has to insist it’s ethical. Sounds like it's just a clever rebrand for f*ckbois. Similar to how every “Gentleman’s Club” is filled with scumbags or the “United States” is on the verge of civil war.
💟 Flying Basic Economy is like microdosing BDSM. “No bag for you, lil' piggy. You're gonna board last too. Middle seat next to the bathroom – and you're gonna like it. Now kiss the whip and bleeeeeed for me. Also, thanks for flying Delta!”
💟 She got the ick because I didn’t know what burrata was and I was like, “Sorry, I don’t go to the same Latin dance class as you.”
💟 Online dating is a lot like looking for a movie on Netflix: You usually just scroll for hours and never wind up picking anything.
💟 Old single men need therapy since they don’t have a woman around to keep them in check. That’s a big reason why men need a woman in their lives: to stop them from being a man.
💟 No one loves crazy women more than emotionally unavailable men.
💟 When you tell her you’re gonna buy her home and garden accessories but then you never do, you’re giving her…
💟 Wish I could just date in China because "red flags" are probably a good thing there. 🇨🇳
And speaking of flags…
Tread flags
Just did a gig in the sticks and realized how much flags can reveal about a place.
In NYC, you get the flags of Puerto Rico, Pride, or Palestine. But drive two hours in any direction and you start to see flags with chopped up snakes, pine trees, weird Latin phrases, and/or a weird symbol that looks like it was on the cover of Led Zeppelin IV.
Show me your flags and I’ll know how you feel about the Epstein list.
Did you see 🍊 try to shut down that reporter who asked about Epstein? Hilarious. 47 telling MAGA to shut up about the Epstein list is like the Pope telling Catholics to ignore the crucifixion.
Just kidding. We all know the Pope was probably on the Epstein list too.
OK, but seriously…
The Big Beautiful Bill passed and it’s probably because he got all of us to call it the “Big Beautiful Bill.” Paging George Lakoff. Every time a Dem used that phrase, I winced. If you keep calling something beautiful, people start to believe it. It’s all about framing.
It's tough to give tax cuts to millionaires without throwing some poor people off Medicaid, but life is all about priorities. We all know the Mar-A-Lago ghouls were gonna get their tax cut because 47 needs to walk into that ballroom and get a standing o. Btw, it’s interesting how rich guys who hate DEI sure do understand the value of diversifying their financial portfolios.
47 is riffing a lot lately too. He just went on another windmill rant. His neverending obsession with them is so character-defining that it's almost like someone should use that as a literary tool in a novel.
Also, he keeps calling Zohran a communist. He sure is a lightning rod. Given how much NYC Jews and millionaires fear Mamdani, I have a new theory: Zohran is actually a Manchurian candidate created by Miami real estate developers to start an exodus from NYC that drives up prices down there. (Vaguely related theory: Moscow Mules are a scam set up by Big Copper Mug.)
Zohran is all about freezing rents and #FreePalestine which is kinda an odd combo. A friend told me his campaign slogan shoulda been “By Allah, bring unto the infidels cheaper rent!” Catchy stuff. And speaking of commies, all these lil’ Marxists seem to hate Jews so much and maaaaan do I have some bad news for them about Karl Marx.
A lot of those commie kidz were out in full force at Glastonbury. Some big onstage rants too. Hey, I get why musicians keep shouting hateful things about Israel on stage. I too am desperate for someone to notice my art and desire a viral moment.
Meanwhile, ICE’s focus seems to have expanded beyond criminals to whoever is hanging out at Home Depot. That’s weird because cartel members don't typically show up at parking lots at the crack of dawn hoping to score a landscaping gig. No one joins a gang so they can wake up at 4am, y’know?
How about the Dems? They’re pathetic as ever. Kirsten Gillibrand kicking out Al Franken from the party and then, a few years later, endorsing Andrew Cuomo might be the perfect encapsulation of what happens to your principles as the machine grows all over you. My .02: The Dems need a candidate who tells all the other Dems they suck. The winning message now is to hate whomever is “the establishment.”
So here we are. America feels like it’s doing the character arc of Walter White in Breaking Bad: Early on, we started off with good intentions. Then we became the one who knocks. Now, we’re acting wild, running on fumes, and I’m pretty sure it ain't gonna end well. Welcome to the final season of American Democracy.
But it’s not all bad: At least no one is saying “nothingburger” anymore.
Oh, one last thing about flags: In truth, my big problem with Glastonbury woulda been all those flags. Seems mad annoying to have someone flying one right in front of ya while you're tryna watch a concert. I don't even like it when the dude in front of me is wearing a hat.
Insanity personified
"Insane. One of the most fun things I've ever seen in my life." That's Jason Chatfield talking about my "Substance" doc/special/experiment. Watch it on YouTube or stream the album version.
And check out my latest special BOLO (YouTube or album) too.
Quickies
🎯 We need background checks for massage guns. I'm seeing those things everywhere and it's freaking me out. Not trusting this personal trainer with that level of voltage.
🎯 WTF ever happened to micropayments? I’ll pay a nickel to read most articles and I’ll almost never pay $9.95/month to subscribe to anything. It’s so foolish that there’s no bite-sized option for consuming stuff online.
🎯 Cooking lesson that applies to life: Don’t stir too often as it can impede browning. Sometimes you just gotta let stuff sit for a while.
🎯 The two Mad Men lines that live in my head.
🎯 Social media rewards mental illness because sanity rarely goes viral.
Ahead: Sharp thoughts on publishing, food, war, art, aging, dating advice from Dan Savage and Nietzsche, and more…
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