Report Card: How Trump, Harris, Vance, and Walz measure up

Grading the candidates.

Report card time! Below, I grade each candidate’s performance over the past month…

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Donald Trump: D

It’s been a rough few weeks for Con Man Don. Being shot freaked him out. Losing to a black woman is something he can't comprehend. Also, he's tired. Look, YOU try being an obese 80yo hopscotching around the country while spewing more slime than Nickelodeon in the 80’s.

It’s looking more and more like his political approval ratings will be just like his Apprentice ratings: Burned bright for a few years and then America got tired of the shtick.

Trump: "Are you better off now than you were when I was president?"

America: “My nervous system is 1000% better because I don't have to wake up every morning wondering what 🦇💩 thing you said or which sane person you fired because they wouldn't do something unconstitutional on your behalf.”

Trump keeps saying Jews who vote for Democrats “should have their head examined.” Dude, we are Jews. We’ve all had our heads examined already.

(A message to Republicans on behalf of Jews: We're good. Thanks for attempting to use us as political pawns, but until ya disavow all your Great Replacement Theory BS, ya can keep our name out your mouths.)

Not enough attention was paid to Trump's claim that he Wayne's World-ed Putin…

The former president warned the Russian leader of the consequences of launching an invasion.

“I said to Putin, ‘Don’t do it, Vladimir.’ And I told him things that what I would do. And he said, ‘No way.’ And I said, ‘Way.’

Absolutely hilarious. Did he follow it up with "I'm not worthy!" and then they sang Bohemian Rhapsody together!?

Still, I’ll always give him credit for this: He's the greatest con man who’s ever lived. When he eventually leaves the picture, we'll all shake our heads and marvel at it all: "What a magnificent beast."

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Kamala Harris: B+

If Kamala was a quarterback, she’d be what we call a game manager; she ain’t throwing deep but she’s also not turning the ball over. Looks like she just might Trent Dilfer her way to a Super Bowl ring (and I’m fine with that).

The big challenge she faces: We think of her as a serious person instead of a deranged lunatic. Paul Graham nails it…

We know a toddler might stick a finger in the socket so we childproof our homes. But if an adult does it, we're like, "What the hell were you thinking?" No wonder she’s avoiding the press.

The energy at her rallies and convention is surprisingly ebullient. Still, I can’t help but think all politics is weird. You’re gonna get in a room and chant in unison in support of someone you barely knew a few months ago and then boo whenever their opponent gets mentioned? That's just pro wrestling made to seem like it's for grownups.

As for her cover of TIME, who cares? It's hilarious to me that we all pretend TIME magazine still exists. Or, for that matter, that magazines still exist.

Kamala running a short campaign is such a godsend. No primaries means she didn’t have to tack to the left to please a bunch of kooks. And it’s easy to be likable for a couple months before people really get to know you (see: my dating history). People thought Ross Perot was the man for a few months before realizing that man was just Mr. Magoo mixed with Daffy Duck.

Besides, all that matters now is TBD low info swing voters. Btw: Low information voter is such a great euphemism for moron. It’s like calling a philanderer a “low morality husband.”

Anyway, there’s even speculation Kamala’s short run will be the model for campaigns moving forward…

…Bring it on. And while we're on the subject, please stop making 6-hour documentaries that should only be 75 minutes. I don’t need to see an interview with Pete Rose’s dog’s veterinarian.

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JD Vance: C+

JD Vance speaking is the 10,000 hour rule in action. He just doesn’t have it.

Kamala progressed onstage over the past four years 'cuz she got her reps in. Walz kills it live since he's spoken in front of classrooms for 20 years. And Trump has been an entertainer forever. JD is tryna learn on the fly and it shows.

While I realize we are all supposed to dunk on him constantly, the fact that JD keeps taking questions from the press is, dare I say, refreshing?

However, it also shows why Kamala is choosing not to sit down for an interview. Things can go south easily. As every hoops coach knows: If ya got momentum, don’t call time out.

Still, this is going too far:

We've got to stop roasting this man for poorly attended gigs, forgetting the name of the host, and other stuff I also do regularly.

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Tim Walz: A-

Harris/Walz 2024 vibes:

This Kamala/Walz chat, which seemed cute to me, was called "manufactured BS" by right wing media. Here's the thing: Even if that's true, I still dig it. Gimme BS if this is it. Put forth something that we can tell little kids to emulate. Mythology is powerful. I'll take that over an endless litany of grievances and complaints.

Also, I dig seeing politicians who seem to actually enjoy music. Walz seems to genuinely clock the vitality of the Minneapolis music scene. I lived in the midwest for years and can tell ya: There is a Venn diagram overlap between "midwestern nice" and "having good taste in rock" that Minnesota folks nail perfectly. If he name checks The Jayhawks, I might lose my mind.

The big issue they’re trying to pin on Walz is that he put tampons in boys’ bathrooms in public schools. But ya gotta realize: The only thing that stops a bad girl with a tampon is a good guy with a tampon.

Actually, that gives me an idea to placate right wingers: What if the tampons are also assault rifles? Then can we put them in school bathrooms?

They’ve even called him Tampon Tim, a hilarious nickname. Embrace it, I say. He should start carrying around tampons and toss them out into crowds like he's Trump with paper towels in Puerto Rico.