Meet the wellness guru who's worked with Kanye West and Vladimir Putin

Lonnie Dama, Business Shaman, sits down for an exclusive Q&A and explains silenciesta, climate justice acupuncture, plant-based NFTs, and trickle down spirituality.

I was lucky enough to bump into Lonnie Dama, a self-proclaimed “Business Shaman” at this weekend’s Psychedelic Assembly conference. Fascinating guy! Here’s a Q&A:

What exactly does it mean to be a business shaman?

It’s about combining ancient wisdom with modern profits. My mission is to bring together spirituality, capitalism, and financial liberation. I do this by healing CEOs of tech startups and Fortune 500 companies. Also, I’m the author of a NY Times bestseller called Gongs & Bongs: A Guide to Curing Back Pain with Percussion Instruments and Marijuana.

When you work with a CEO, do you also work with the employees of a company?

No. Healing starts at the top. As we all know, wealthy people face unique pressures and tend to suffer the most in our society. As one of the great shamans of the 20th century explained: “Mo’ money, mo’ problems.” So I go where I can have the most impact.

What about entry level workers?

I firmly believe in trickle down spirituality. If I heal the top executives at a company, the wellness spills down to the lower level workers too – like a champagne tower, but with enlightenment instead of champagne. I don’t focus on minimum wage, I focus on minimum rage.

How do you work with clients?

Through a variety of modalities: I’m a shaman, yogi, and wellness influencer. I also sell a variety of products, including plant-based NFTs and anti-racism essential oils. And I perform climate justice acupuncture. That’s where we travel around the world and put needles in the soil in a way that lets the planet heal itself. People are always looking for a top-down solution, but I think it’s time the earth started taking more accountability for its own health. The way out comes from within.

So would you describe yourself as a guru?

I hate that word. It’s like genius or artist. Only someone else can call you that. If you refer to yourself a guru, you probably don’t even understand what it really means. But yes, I call myself a guru.

How long do you meditate for daily?

Eight hours a day. And I actually do this while I sleep. See, I’ve mastered lucid dreaming. So while I sleep, I control my dreams and choose to meditate. I call this the Silenciesta. It’s me making a conscious choice to be more mindful. Well, an unconscious conscious choice. But you get it.

What else is part of your daily practice?

You’ve heard of a Long Island Iced Tea of course. Well, I start each morning with a Long Island Ayahuasca Tea Ceremony. I sing the icaros and then drink a smoothie made of Ayahuasca, LSD, psilocybin, peyote, ketamine, ibogaine, DMT, MDMA, chaga, bath salts, chia seeds, and non-dairy blueberry yogurt. That really kickstarts my metabolism.

What was your wellness journey?

My journey into wellness began when I was working at the mecca of healing in western culture. Of course, I’m talking about Lululemon. I was a sales associate at the branch in Rockville, MD. Then I studied Buddhism at an Internet monastery for about 8 years. That was via Zoom – and I turned my camera off for the most part in order to maintain concentration. But I still got a ton out of it. After that, I taught yoga in Bali, conducted ayahuasca ceremonies in Peru, and DJ’d in Ibiza at a Ketamine clinic/spa resort. My past life resumé is extremely impressive too. In fact, Joan of Arc was one of my yoga clients. I even taught her how to do warrior pose.

Who are your mentors?

Deepak Chopra, Eckhart Tolle, and Jennifer Aniston. She’s been through so much yet still she persists.

Who are some of your celebrity clients?

Gwyneth Paltrow, Kanye West, and Vladimir Putin. Vlad loves essential oils and is a big eucalyptus fan. I know, that surprises people since it’s such a calming, serene oil. But let’s just say you don’t want to see Vlad without his eucalyptus.

How do you feel about alternative medicine?

People call me a crazy hippie. But look, you can definitely believe in alternative medicine without being a crazy hippie. You can also believe in alternative medicine because you have no health insurance. After all, this is America.

Would you call yourself Buddhist?

The Buddha made some good points but I can’t give a full throated endorsement since the Buddha was clearly obese. Nothing brings about inner peace like a flat stomach. That’s one great thing about Jesus, he had some serious abs and clearly understood the value of doing cardio.

How religious are you?

I like to bring together different faiths. I view the world’s religions as a buffet and I’m here to take a chicken skewer from Buddhism, a slider from Hinduism, some shrimp cocktail from Judaism, an egg roll from Christianity, and a cup of coffee from Mormonism and put them all together. You can see that in the names of my children: Stonehenge, Tajmahal, Sandalwood, and Ralph. But really, my ultimate religion is the truth. You hear people say, “I’m not religious, but I am spiritual.” Well, I’m not truthful, but I am honest about it. 

Can’t wait to see what Lonnie gets up to next! Maybe he’ll even drop in at a future edition of…

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Misguided Meditation

If you’re in Chicago or NYC, come check out my Misguided Meditation show. It’s a comedy show about mindfulness, death, therapy, psychedelics, meditation, and way more….

Chicago - Zen Yoga Garage - 9/16 - Tickets/info (free yoga class before too!)
NYC - Caveat - 10/18 - Tickets/info ($5 off with code “guru”)
Albany - Details coming soon

If you know somewhere else we should take it, shoot me an email.

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Comedy

🤪 Check out my most recent standup clips on Instagram, TikTok, and YouTube.

🤪 Recently on Funny How:

🤪 Upcoming shows:

[LIVE] 9/16 - Chicago, IL (Misguided Meditation show)
[LIVE] 9/17 - Iowa City
[LIVE] 9/18 - Davenport, IA

Ticket info here. Coming soon: Albany, NY and New Orleans, LA.

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Quickies

🎯 Bubble tea? More like blocked straw tea if you ask me.

🎯 People acting like the Queen was some evil mastermind in a war room with a bunch of maps sending out troops to colonize random countries when she was actually just some old lady with a corgi sipping tea and trying on weird hats.

🗯 John McEnroe on what he learned from playing Jimmy Connors.

What I did learn as I started playing him more frequently was the intensity and the effort he gave. It was as if every point he played was the last point he was ever going to play, and I had never seen anyone that could do that, that consistently. He's sort of the Rafael Nadal of our time. That intensity and effort alone was intimidating and it was tough to match. I used to play him and I'd go back to the hotel room and I'd look in the mirror after and I go, "Did you try as hard as Jimmy Connors in that match?" And most of the time it felt like I didn't…That is the greatest lesson any athlete, I think, could learn, truthfully, is if you can go out there and be able to give that type of effort consistently, that good things are going to happen.

🎯 I ran an amnesia clinic in the World Trade Center so it really stings extra when people tell me to “never forget.”

🎯 "This kind of raid is unprecedented.” Of course it is. We left Precedented a long time ago. Catch up. It's like going to the circus and saying, "This many people coming out of a car is unprecedented!"

🗯 John McWhorter: Labelling things “problematic” is censorship without the baggage.

“Problematic,” which in modern usage so often implies not just that something is abstractly a problem but also that it ought to be classified as inconsonant with civilized sensibility and cordoned off from it in some way. Especially on the left, “problematic” is being drawn onto the treadmill to step away from the stodgy, menacing, backward associations that the word “censorship” has taken on, while engaging in what many would treat as the same project.

🎯 Everyone’s on antidepressants now and I'm jealous cuz I’m out here raw dogging reality. Good on ya for doing well, but c'mon those are performance enhancing drugs. I feel like Derek Jeter in the 90’s watching Sosa and McGwire.

🎯 Amazon: “This would be local if you lived somewhere else.” Well played.

🎯 The new version of Greek gods? The algorithm. But instead of Zeus sending down thunderbolts, the algo forces us to pay attention to Don't Worry Darling, Andrew Tate, and whatever random nonsense du jour we “must” discuss. And just like those in Greek mythology, we are powerless to oppose it. As mere mortals, we must accept our fate.

Up ahead for paid subscribers: Thoughts on socialism, The Eagles, a politics time saver, Bob Dylan on Johnny Cash, doorbell cameras, that Seinfeld Kith campaign, and unfinished lives.