I pray there is a p** tape 🙏
Otherwise this is all even more embarrassing. Also: Ceasefire vs. surrender, "with all due respect," and the big mistake Zelenskyy made in the Oval Office.
How ‘bout that Oval Office spat with Zelenskyy!? Logic has left the building…
“Have you said thank you once? During this entire meeting? We’ve falsely called you a dictator. We lied about you starting the war. We’re doing everything the brutal dictator who invaded your country wants. We’ve said repeatedly we don’t care what happens to you. We’re trying to force you to surrender unconditionally. And although you did actually say thank you earlier in the meeting, we’re outraged that you never said thank you.”
Welp, I guess that’s one way to get the Epstein files out of the news.
One big takeaway from it: We really need to retire the phrase "with all due respect." At this point, we all know it means "I'm about to get mad disrespectful so buckle up!"
I watched the whole throwdown and kept thinking how much of it was about linguistics. See, a problem in conversations about wars right now is that we use the word “ceasefire” instead of “surrender.” Everyone wants the former, no one wants the latter. Say surrender and it turns into a whole different conversation, y’know? Zelenskyy misfired on that: He shoulda said he DOES want a cease-fire, but he just wants one with security guarantees. (See, it’s already better.)
But the bigger problem was Lil’ Ukeyy didn’t get the memo on asskissery. He shoulda made up some phony medal and awarded it to 🍊 up top:
“This is the rarely-awarded Order of Heroic Bravery medal. And I have a letter from our Czar inviting you to eat caviar with him in the Palace of Valor. And this is a plaque saying you can control the aux because he too loves Pavarotti and the Village People!”
Of course, 🍊 just wants Ukraine to surrender so he can…hmm, what? Turn Odessa into the Riviera of the Baltics? At this point, I pray there is a p** tape. Because otherwise, it's pretty embarrassing how much water he's carrying for Putin. Either way, it's something involving this emoji: 💦
Also, I find it hilarious how 🍊 becomes a robot whenever Russia gets mentioned. He just goes full autopilot mode: “Russia, Russia, Russia. It was a hoax. Never should have happened. It was Hunter's laptop. It was all terrible. Hillary! Witch hunt! The driver for this device might be corrupted (Code 3).”
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And then there was poor Marco:
Ya gotta realize how much Ukraine is a tricky topic for MAGA: Since no one there is black, they can’t blame any of it on “DEI.” 😜
About that: If all these "real men" are what they claim, they'd come out and say "F*ck Joe Biden" instead of "Let's go Brandon," use the n-word instead of relying on "DEI," and own their heils instead of calling ‘em “Roman salutes.” Real men say what they mean instead of using cutesy coverup phrases. That’s scaredy cat behavior. C’mon, “alphas”: If you're so brave, come get the smoke.
And then there was the “no suit” stuff…
Elon’s right. Where was the baseball cap?
War is peace. Freedom is slavery. Ignorance is strength.
Anyway, looking forward to a solid Washington Post opinion piece on all this explaining how it means we need to do more to support free markets. 🙄
Btw, notice who ain’t saying sh*t these days? Peter Thiel. When you’re calling the shots, you don’t need to give pressers. After all, he’s got JD in his pocket and that could be 🤑 for the next few decades. And he prob sees what Elon’s going through and has realized pulling the strings from above while staying silent (aka The Adelson) is the real power move.
Back to Elon: I enjoyed this engineering version of a Yo Momma dig.
Oh sn@p.
Elon: "Legalize comedy (unless the comedian is mocking me)." Bill Burr vs. Elon is white people's Kendrick vs. Drake.
Keep going, Billy. We need you on that wall.
Quickies
🎯 Can't believe some celebrity hasn't named their baby "Helvetica" yet.
🎯 One of the underrated joys in life is taking a dump at work when you’re getting paid hourly.
🎯 Marrying someone because you like the way they look is like eating a fish because you like the way it swims.
🎯 We got rid of bullying and now dorks and losers run society. Maybe we judged those Cobra Kai guys too harshly.
🎯 The winner of Best Screenplay should actually say this:
🎯 Meditation + Therapy + Psychedelics = the antidote to toxic masculinity
🎯 Branding: Instead of an unwieldy acronym like LGBTQIA+, they shoulda just gone with Qmunnity.
🎯 The idea of “day-to-night” fashion is kinda hilarious now that everyone just wears pajamas all day.
🎯 I’m gonna call it the Gulf of They/Them in order to upset everybody.
🎯 My dad was a real model train buff. Elaborate setup in garage, like you see in magazines. He worked endlessly on it and was in there all the time when I was growing up. As soon as both kids graduated, he never touched the trains again. Lesson: Fathers need somewhere to go.
🎯 Privileged white people love public reveals of their disorders because they're attempting to gain the clout marginalized people automatically receive for their minority status. It's the logical end game of our "victimhood as currency" culture.
🎯 No one is ever ashamed anymore and that’s a real shame.
🎯 Me: “How you doing?”
Him: “Livin' the dream!”
Me: “Wow, you really oughta dream bigger.”
🎯 A recent Real Time had the most outrageous opinion Bill Maher has ever offered: He disagrees with Kid Rock's politics but LOVES his music. Maher legit might be the only person in the world to hold both those opinions simultaneously.
🎯 Mikaylas are the Jalens of girl names. Unheard of 30 years ago, inescapable now.
🎯 Literally all I want the NYC mayor to do is make sure the trash is collected, the streets are plowed, and the C train at midnight doesn’t feel like the psych ward at Bellevue.
🎯 I feel like the post office and the sanitation department should team up so I can just have my mail delivered directly to the garbage man.
🎯 The arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends tow– Oh, wait. It just has scoliosis. Never mind.
Comedy
🃏 Social with me: Get jokes (and more) on my social media at Instagram – TikTok – Threads – X – Substack Notes – Bluesky.
🃏 Mom and the VU: This set features me on 🍄 talking about my mom’s connection to the Velvets Underground. @shollister3009 comments, “What a beautiful story. Very well done considering the 🍄.”
🃏 Watch BOLO:
I go after everything! Now on YouTube:
Matt’s a New York comedy beast. He’s sharp, dark, and funny. BOLO is his awesome special on YouTube and it’s something truly worth checking out. It’s Matt at his best: raw, real, and ripping into life’s absurdities with a signature edge the New York Times called “button-pushing” and “funny.” His style’s a mix of cerebral gut-punches and pitch-black humor. We’re diving deep into how he crafted this one, what it’s like to sling jokes in today’s world, and why he’s one of the smartest voices in standup right now.
🃏 Tour: I’m coming to Chicago, SF, DC, Pittsburgh, and more soon. Ticket info here.
TECHnicalities
📱 I saw the best writers of my generation destroyed by AI, starving hysterical naked,
podcasting themselves through the YouTube streets at dawn looking for more subscribers and a sustainable revenue stream.
📱 Just read that AI is great at taking academic papers and converting them into digestible content for non-academics. My reaction: Phew, Malcolm Gladwell must be SWEATING.
📱 Let’s stop euphemizing everything to death. "Parasocial relationship" is too soft. It’s a "make-believe relationship."
📱 We spend our lives on devices that constantly give us exactly what we want and yet we've never been more miserable. This is why asking people what they want is dumb. We never really know.
📱 If crypto is worth so much, then how come crypto guys are always trying to sell the rest of us on it? Like, just go buy more yourself if it’s worth so much.
📱 Hotel emails: "You stayed here once so we are friends now and here are all kinds of deals for a place you don't live and won't return to for years because maaaaaaaybe what we have is real."
📱 How is that the people who “do the research” the most are the kookiest of all? I feel like the amount of time you spend online is inversely proportional to how much you should be trusted to know the truth.
📱 Journalism has now gotta be the only profession where the more someone is an experienced expert, the less people trust them. Nobody wants a rookie surgeon who “does the research” via TikTok and YouTube videos yet journalism school means you’re some kinda partisan shill.
📱 The mere notion of Twitch wrecks my mind. A whole generation wants to watch OTHER PEOPLE play video games!? C'mon, son. Go outside. (Yes, I’m a real touch grasshole.)
Thanks for reading!
-Matt
you nailed it. thanks
dear matt,
great piece!
i love this: "Bill Burr vs. Elon is white people's Kendrick vs. Drake."
thanks for sharing!
love
myq