Exxon Presents: Regime Change™
Voice-of-reason thoughts on Venezuela, oil, and American amnesia. 🛢️🇻🇪💸
Above: Highlights from this newsletter in video format. Perfect if you like hearing me talk and/or hate reading.
It’s the oil, stupid
🛢️ “The war on drugs has now been WON. We did it. U-S-A!!”
-me, still on drugs from last night
🛢️ It’s true, this is all about drugs. Specifically, one drug: oil. We are 100% addicted to it. We are junkies who will do anything to get a fix. In short, America is Hunter in the bathtub.
🛢️ Flashback: When asked about extracting oil from tar sands in Canada, Al Gore once quipped, “Well, junkies find veins in their toes.” USA = 😵💉🦶!
🛢️ “We’re going to have our very large U.S. oil companies, the biggest anywhere in the world, go in and start making money for the country,” 🍊 said. Oh, we’re sending in the very large U.S. oil companies. So, y’know, the good guys. Nice to see Exxon, Conoco, and Chevron finally catching a break.
🛢️ And guess who else is gonna get some…
Halliburton has spent decades monetizing regime change. What a business model.
🛢️ Oil companies keep getting the US military to do their labor and then reap the profits. So imagine this: Trump nationalizes the American oil companies (or at least one of ‘em) and then taxpayers could actually get the money from all the Venezuelan oil we’re about to steal. He could claim the mantle of “affordability” and steal Zohran’s brand of populism – all while rebranding “socialism” as “patriotism.” This could be the ultimate heel turn!
Venezuela
🇻🇪 Pete Hegseth: “He f–ed around and he found out.” Pretty cool our Defense Secretary speaks in memes now. Next up: “Yo Maduro! U mad bro?”
🇻🇪 Nothing this administration loves more than grabbing a Venezuelan off the streets and sending him to a foreign prison. It’s 👏 what 👏 we 👏 do.
🇻🇪 Re: that jail where they’re keeping Maduro, we better make sure the cameras are working and the guards get their nap time. Otherwise…
🇻🇪 Venezuela always wins the Miss Universe pageant and I’m pretty sure this is a big part of why 🍊 is so obsessed with it.
🇻🇪 So what’s next in Venezuela? Should we keep the Maduro lackeys in power or destabilize the whole thing/risk a civil war? A:
🇻🇪 Being a country with oil is like being a woman with big boobs. You’re gonna get constantly hassled and feel threatened by aggro meatheads who claim they just want what’s best for you but we all know what they’re really after.
America
🇺🇸 If your politics is based on how socialism has “never worked,” I got some bad news for you about regime change.
🇺🇸 People who understand history are being attacked for not just “going with the vibes.”
🇺🇸 I bet he is gonna rename them Trumpenadas.
🇺🇸 🍊 in the Situation Room: “You know I'm automatically attracted to oil. I just start bombing them. It's like a magnet. Just bomb. I don't even wait. And when you're a star they let you do it. You can do anything. Grab their oil field by regime change. You can do anything.”
🇺🇸 Oh, Marco. Let’s start calling him Lil’ Combover.
🇺🇸 Recent quotes from Joe Rogan on his podcast:
“[War with Venezuela] would be a terrible idea.”
“This [Trump’s plaques insulting former presidents] is so crazy. You shouldn’t be allowed to do this.”
“The Rob Reiner [post] is not funny…There’s no justification for what he did that makes any sense in a compassionate society…It’s so disappointing.”
“The military in the street. That’s a dangerous precedent.”
“You’ve got to get scared that people who are not criminals are getting lassoed up and deported.”
Welcome to the other side, Joe! Come on in, the water's warm. Wait, I forgot! The water's ice cold. You'll love it.
🇺🇸 Soooooo tired of Dem senators posting to social media about how “we” need to do something.
At this point, we should rebrand “OK Boomer” to “OK Schumer.”
Actually…
Some ED pill company should pay Chuck Schumer to be their spokesman. His destiny is to be the poster child for impotence. Suggested tagline: “Time to f*ck? Don’t be like Chuck. Try Blue Chew!”
Behind the paywall
But isn’t this good for Venezuela?
Three exchanges with people who disagree with me
The honeymooners
“Well, Venezuelans are celebrating…”
“Don’t explain Venezuela to Venezuelans…”
OK, sure. Maduro was brutal. Legit happy for folks there he’s gone. However, two things can be true at once…
