Everyone's mad at the mad scientists
They tried to Frankenstein a Senator. It almost worked. Also: Why soccer codes female to Americans.
So much online vitriol is being directed at these two mad scientists behind Graham Platnerâs rise.
What that interview really proved: Everything is rebooted IP now.
AlsoâŚ
Vocal fry: Itâs not just for women anymore.
But is the hate for these consultants warranted? I mean, I get it. Clearly they suck at vetting, Platner turned out be a gross bum, and the Dems may now lose that Senate seat. (And yes, Iâm patting myself on the back because I was never onboard with him.)
HoweverâŚ
Didnât these consultants almost pull off a legendary political heist? They scraped the lobster pots, found an unknown mustache, got him on the ticket, and turned him into the face of a political movement. People around the country were rallying around him big time.
I gotta think that whole scenario (i.e. manufacture a candidate from scratch and watch the public buy in) is the wet dream of every political consultant. Itâs a cinematic plotline a la Trading Places, The Manchurian Candidate, or Being There.
The obvious caveat is they did a godawful job figuring out who the guy actually was.
Still, it feels weird to act like they didnât do anything right when they clearly âread the roomâ masterfully and almost Chauncey Gardinered a đŚŞđ§âđž into a Senator.
Again, I never bought into Platner and I hope Susan Collins loses. But I guess I feel the same way about these consultants as I do those Louvre thieves: They may not have gotten away with it, but itâs impressive they managed to even come that close.
More on politics:
đŁď¸ Any other lessons to takeaway from Platnergate? A: It was his voice that sucked people in. Dude always sounded like he was narrating a pickup truck commercialâŚand wow do rural folks like pickup trucks. So Dems: Run more men with deep voices and just hand âem voiceover scripts that sound like a Ford F-150 ad:
Built to work. Built to govern. And the power to leave it behind. If youâve been seeking a way to stick it to the elites, look no further than me, a lumberjack they plucked from a dive bar in Bangor. I can wield an axe, pull a lot of weight, and still leave the herd behind. Confident, rugged, and resilient. If you havenât looked at the Democrat ticket lately, look again. [This message was not sponsored by AIPAC.]
Can I be a political consultant now too?
đŁď¸ OK, one more Platner joke:
The US Senate is no place for a man credibly accused of sexual assault. Heâd fit in way better on the Supreme Court.
Itâs funny because itâsâŚsad.
đŁď¸ I usually trot this one out for disappointed đ voters, but this week itâs for disappointed Platner fans tooâŚ
đŁď¸ Oh, and the other big story in politics: Mitch McConnell is probably dead and the GOP is covering it up in order to hang onto his seat. Honestly, I get it. That level of cheating in order to horde power is the best way to honor his legacy.
đ This was written by a human, not AI. If you want more of that, maybe support, yâknow? Youâll get bonus stuff and archive access too. Thanks.
Comedy
New set on YouTube: Jokes about emojis, dragons, stalkers, the masculinity crisis, parole board dating, Skyrizi, scapegoats, and why men need mushrooms. Get some.
Yellow Cards and VAR
World Cup: Thereâs a lot of chatter going on about why the US Menâs Soccer team sucked again. I think itâs because soccer codes as female to Americans. I mean, compare it to basketballâŚ
Basketball has triple doubles. Stats count. Soccer has clean sheets. Thread count.
Basketball: âPosterized.â So visual. Soccer: âNutmegged.â Sounds like a boost to your pumpkin spice lattĂŠ.
Basketball ends when the clock hits zero. Soccer ends when the referee feels like it.
In basketball, a player gets whistled for a technical. In soccer, the ref goes, âI got you a card.â Itâs all about drawing boundaries: âYellow means what you did gave me the ick. Keep going and itâs a red flaâ, er, card.â
In basketball, the scoring never stops. In soccer, the whole game is players who are almost there. Itâs downright tantric. 90 minutes of edging and then everybody celebrates a 1-0 finish.
In basketball, players constantly reach for blocks. In soccer, they keep their arms behind their backsâŚâYou got handsyâŚpenalty!â
In basketball, the ref reviews instant replays on the sideline. In soccer, the ref consults three other Video Assistant Referees (VARs) in a booth â itâs basically the ref going to the group chat to find out what the girlies think.
More soccer:
â˝ď¸ Soccer fans in Europe are hooligans who behave awfully, But bring âem to America and theyâre all good vibes and friendly celebrations. Turns out ranch dressing and Big Gulps hath charms to soothe a savage breast.
â˝ď¸ [Dons analyst hat] I used to think top scorers in soccer were like the great scorers in basketball. But watching Messi/Haaland this tourney, Iâm realizing theyâre actually closer to great rebounders, like Charles Barkley, Josh Hart, or Dennis Rodman. They just seem to have a sixth sense for where the ball is going to be. Their savant-level understanding of physics/angles/game-flow allows them to live in the future.
â˝ď¸ All these countries hate immigrants untilâŚ
Quickies
đŻ MC in MC Escher stands for Maurits Cornelis which stands for MC in MC Escher which stands for Maurits Cornelis which stands for MC in MC Escher which stands for Maurits Cornelis which stands for MC in MC Escher which stands for...
đŻ Nothing is surprising anymore. And that shocks me.
đŻ A lot of âauthenticityâ is just selfishness in disguise.
đŻ It is what it is. Everything happens for a reason. Thatâs just the way things are. (We can stop talking now, right?)
đŻ Smartphones taught us an important lesson. The thing we fear most isnât tyranny, loneliness, or anxiety. The thing we fear most is boredom. We are willing to let all those other things slide into the abyss as long as we remain entertained.
đŻ Technology is truly disruptive. For example: This is the first time history is being written by the the losers.
đŻ Automatic captions really cannot handle the word âmilquetoast.â
đŻ You know Shawshank Redemption is fiction because itâs a prison where no one cares about race.
đŻ Our brains love stories so much that they keep telling them even after we go to sleep.
đŻ Going to TikTok or Instagram to fix your mental health is like going to the demolition derby to get your car repaired.
đŻ I still canât get over Jeff Bezos saying poems must rhyme.
đŻ I feel like human beings are not meant to pivot instantly from engagement ring photos to choreography to âI have cancerâ posts. Yo Meta, give us a palate cleanser in between âem for chrissakes.
đŻ Kinda funny how much people on social media love that âman in the arenaâ quote. Dude, youâre complaining via tweet 24/7. Itâs not exactly âdoer of deedsâ heroism.
đŻ Your ego is a balloon and your phone is the helium tank that fills it. On your screen, you are the center of the universe. IRL you must orbit around others â and, for many, that has become untolerable.
đŻ psyoptimist - guy who thinks everything must be a psyop
đŻ I never want to have a conversation with anyone who uses the terms situationship, false flag, psyop, or red-pilled. I get it, you spend too much time online.
đŻ When said aloud, âmisogynisticâ just sounds like youâre describing someone who really loves massages.
đŻ A lot of the guys we talk about getting âcancelledâ were really just given a time out.
đŻ As a kid, cartoon animals sold us cereal (e.g. Toucan Sam, Tony the Tiger, Trix Rabbit). Now, every cartoon animal is trying to sell us life insurance (Lemu Emu, Geico Lizard, etc.)
đŻ The CarFax mascot is Car Fox and Iâm sorry, but thatâs just a bit too on the nose for me.
đŻ Iâm featured in Deadlineâs excellent âComedy Means Businessâ newsletter (thanks to Matt Grobar). More coming soon there too. And if you want more of my musings on comedy and the craft of standup, you should be getting my other Substack FUNNY HOW.
Thanks for being stellar.
-Matt
P.S. Video with some highlights from the last RubesletterâŚ