Controversy, cleavage, and societal collapse

The Sydney Sweeney debate: Do we HAVE to? || Also: Slop machines, hustle culture, Zohran, Epstein, Gaza, and more.

Ooh, controversy! 😱

Congrats, Internet! I thought we couldn't top "save the kids" plus "it was the Jews" as a clickbait combo, but we really cracked the case with "Sydney Sweeney's b👀bs" plus "anti-woke outrage." Way to go!

Do we have to?

I’m not really buying this as a legit controversy. Here’s why:

1) No one is really up in arms about it. This is another example of “Put down your phone and no one cares.” It may get the LibsOfTikTok haters all juiced up, but zero “Libs” are actually going to the mattresses about it.

2) White supremacists don’t need to rely on sneaky dog whistle puns anymore. In case you haven’t noticed, they’re fine saying the quiet part out loud these days. In fact, they host entire podcasts about it.

3) Cleavage. The news: “We are being forced to show you this sexy lady in order to discuss this totally valid issue.” Sure, right. (I eagerly await a FOX chyron reading, “Sweeney Bod.”)

Earned media

Don’t we all understand how earned media works? In this age of collabs and personal branding, I figured this was common knowedge but…

earned media - publicity for brands earned organically through word-of-mouth, media coverage, or online buzz

So what are the odds American Eagle actually started the backlash against their own ad campaign? ‘Cuz you can’t pay for this level of publicity.

I imagine some AE exec putting his feet up on a desk, lighting a cigar, and sarcastically complaining, “Oh no, not another post about our jeans! All these free mentions of our brand are just the worst.” 🙄

Skullin’ 💀

But as long as we're all talking eugenics: Sydney Sweeney may have great jeans, but Matt Ruby has great skull shape!

Thanks, MemeStank. I (and my skull) feel seen.

Death by algorithm

Social media is constantly hawking “Can you believe they...” Yes, I can totally believe it. Attention economy blah blah blah. The algorithms incentivize for controversy, cleavage, lunacy, and lies.

We already covered the first two but here’s how the latter two work:

1. When 99% of experts agree on something, the one wacko who disagrees will be the one going viral. (Just ask doctors.)

2. New mistakes are more interesting than old facts. That’s because new mistakes are remarkable (i.e. people want to remark on ‘em)…which means replies…which means engagement…which means THIS kinda crap (below) is actually doing social media perfectly.

Is the guy who posted this really that far gone? Or is this a joke? Does it even matter anymore? “784K Views.” There ya go. Mission accomplished.

At some point, we gotta realize the inevitable endgame here is the death of shared reality leading to the collapse of our entire society. Of course, no one will share that – because, y’know, it’s sane and truthful.

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Quickies

🎯 I feel like I actually hallucinate constantly and, every once in a while, I microdose reality.

🎯 My parents gave me a lot of freedom growing up. I used to think it was because they trusted me, but now I realize they were just negligent.

🎯 Dealing with other people is both hell and community.

🎯 Before I decide how to feel about the latest Manhattan gunman, I need to see his abs.

🎯 “Frowned upon” is such a great phrase. It’s not saying you’re wrong or bad, just that your behavior generates unhappiness in others. So, y’know, deal with THAT.

🎯 I’m so progressive. [Crowd: How progressive are you?] I’m so progressive, I don’t say, “Transgender woman.” I say, “She’s a woman who was colonized by her p*nis.”

🎯 Maybe we love serial killer documentaries so much now because we’re all like, “How did he meet so many people?”

🎯 I cannot handle two ascending celebs named Mikey Madison and Matty Matheson. Those names are too damn similar for people so diametrically opposed. Only way I'll accept this is if they co-star in a reboot of Beauty and the Beast.

🎯 Intermittent variable rewards then: casinos. Now: social media. We went from slot machines to slop machines.

🎯 Everyone wants the glamour of being a revolutionary but no one wants to do the hard labor of actual governance. We want to be the poet, not the guy who churns out obits.

🎯 Did anyone on The Bear ever consider going to therapy?

🎯 "He got MeToo'd" is too vague. We need to start identifying the degree of the allegations. I suggest a scale that goes from Aziz to Harvey.

🎯 No one loves talking about wellness more than the unwell. You'll find more insanity at a somatic healing breathwork ceremony than inside most asylums.

🎯 Therapists are like emotional prostitutes: You meet them in a tiny room, lie down, get intimate, and pay them to pretend they're into it. Then, in the end, you realize it was all about your mom.

🎯 Nick Cave: "Cynicism is not a neutral position — it is highly infectious and unbelievably destructive." That's a pretty negative attitude to have about cynicism. Maybe you should be a bit more hopeful about cynics, Nick!

🎯 Rich guys:
- Diversify your portfolio
- Equity acquired in companies
- Inclusion of tax breaks in budget bill
See, you do like DEI! 💸

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Love

🖤 The secret to a long marriage is communication: You really need to know when to shut the hell up.

🖤 Dating is the radio, a relationship is the box set. Dating: They get the hits. Relationship: B-sides, live versions, demos, and alternate takes. Ya gotta fill up the tracks somehow.

🖤 “Whole Lotta Love” Robert Plant getting it on with “Love to Love You, Baby” Donna Summer would be some great sounding sex.

🖤 Women: Men need to express their emotions more!
Men: [Anger]
Women: OK, not that one. We clocked that one already.

🖤 It's weird that dudes who love “hustle culture" hate gold diggers. I thought y’all respected the hustle!?

🖤 Are all these on-the-phone Uber drivers talking to their wives or other drivers? Because whoever is on the other end…that’s true love.

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Hot topics ahead:
1) Will the rich leave NYC if Mamdani gets elected?
2) The truth about Epstein, Trump, and JD Vance.
3) …and more!